Na vrištini / On the heat

 

Svaki put kad sam izdala sebe, dio mene je počeo vrištati… što ih je više, jače vrište… kako ih iscijeliti?     Vrištim jer sam nečujena. Jer samu sebe nisam čula, nisam htjela čuti.   Svaki put kad sam drugima dala prednost, iako sam znala ishod, nisam čula sebe, ignorirala sam sebe, kao što me ni drugi nisu čuli ili me ušutkavaše, dio mene je zašutio izvana, a zavrištao iznutra…     I što sad? Sad svi ti nečujeni dijelovi mene, vrište… vrište drugima da ih čuju, a ja ih i dalje ignoriram i čudim se… i dalje ih utišavam, jer ih ne prihvaćam.   Prihvatim li ih, zagrlim li ih, hoće li biti sretni? Ne znam. Hoću li ja biti sretna? Ne znam. Hoće li drugi biti sretni? Boli me k…   na vrištini

Every time I betrayed myself, a part of me started screaming… the more of them there are, the louder they scream… how to heal them?   I scream because I am unheard. Because I didn’t hear myself, I didn’t want to hear myself.   Every time I gave others priority, even though I knew the outcome, I didn’t hear myself, I ignored myself, just as others didn’t hear me or silenced me, a part of me fell silent on the outside, and screamed on the inside… and now what?   Now all those unheard parts of me, scream… scream for others to hear them, and I continue to ignore them and wonder… I continue to silence them, because I don’t accept them.   If I accept them, if I embrace them, will they be happy? I don’t know. Will I be happy? I don’t know. Will others be happy? I don’t give a sh…

Paralelni procesi ili tanka je granica između... ljubavi i mržnje/ Paralell processes or the thin line between... love and hate

Naravno da sam zaspala, preslušavajući predavanje... Probudi me frend, vidno raspoložen, nakon što je ujutro slušao nešto što mu je poslužilo kao okidač da poludi na sve koji su ga pokušavali korigirati, uključujući i mene, pa me nije mogao nazvati prije, dok se nije posvađao i pomirio sa mnom, u glavi svojoj... Pa mi kaže: Što ja mislim o tebi? Ukratko, mislim da si rođeni vođa, da si samostalna, divna osoba, marljiva i pametna. Pedantna. Negativne kvalitete: Preosjetljiva, predugo čekaš da odgovoriš pa onda explodiraš ili na van ili prema unutra. Ovo mi je toliko razgalilo dušu da mu odgovorih: Daj mi, molim te, objasni, kako me možeš voljeti toliko, sve više, samo nekoliko sati nakon što si popizdio na mene, i to bez mog udjela, samo projicirajući…? Ne znam... to ti je paralelni proces... sve se odvija paralelno u srcu i u glavi... ne znam ti ja to objasniti... kad mi je srce otvoreno, možeš mi skakati po glavi i ja ću te obožavati... a s druge strane, kad počneš piliti, srce se potpuno suzi i nestane... puf... Gledaj draga, s jedne strane si mi OK. I kao sestra si mi. I volim te tako. Ali s druge strane, kad popizdim, onda me svaka sekunda koju provedem bez tebe žari poput polja kopriva. I ti mi sad reci. Da li te volim ili sam zaljubljeni ili što? Ma... ti si blentav!!! Ovisnik! Zaljubljen! Predivan! Voliš... i voljen! (OK, ponekad te uhvati i strast :D) Volim te, blentone... pa čak i kad popizdiš... ne mogu si pomoć! Valjda sam i ja blentava... :* Jel ti jasno da, kad te ćope emocije (ljutnja), onda se (opet) zaljubiš :))) Skriveno je, da, skriveno. Skrivena je i ljubav, kao i mržnja. Prikrivena. Lijepim i ružnim riječima, neshvaćenim i krivo shvaćenim riječima i pokretima, ignoriranjem, neznanjem, uvjetovanjima, ucjenama, manipulacijama, strahovima, omotima i zamotajima, ogrtačima i prekrivačima, tabletićima preko očiju i televizorima, bez oka. Što ti srce govori? Govori mi o ljubavi, čak i kad me gaziš, čak i kad odlazim, govori mi da se samo ljubavlju u sebi mogu oduprijeti i pomaknuti se.

I fell asleep, of course, listening to the lecture… My friend woke me up, in the mood – this morning he was listening something which was a trigger to made him mad on every one who tried to correct him. Of course, I was also included, so he could not call me earlier – first he had to fight, and reconcile with me. In his head, naturally… So he is telling me: What do I think about you? Shortly, I think you are native lider, you are independent, wonderful person, diligent and smart. Pedantic. Negative quality: oversensitive, you wait too long to answer to others, than you explode – either on outside or inside. This inflamed my soul so much that I answered to him: Please, explain me, how can you love me so much, more and more, only few hours after you were angry with me, even without me, only by your own projection…? I don’t know… that is a parallel process… everything is going on parallel, in the heart and in the head, also… I can not explain it to you… When my heart is open, you can jump on my head and I will adore you… On the other hand, when you start to bother, my heart will completely narrows down and disappear… puf… Look, my dear one, on the one hand you are OK. And you are like a sister to me. And I love you as it is. On the other hand, when I am pissed, than every second which I spend without you is burning like I am in the nettle field. So tell me. Do I love you or I am in love or what? Well… you are crazy!!! An addict! In love! Wonderful! You love… and you are loved! (OK, sometimes you are rulled by the passion :D) I love you, crazy one… and even if you are pissed… I cannot help myself! I suppose I am crazy too… :* Can you see - when you are in emotion (angry), than you fall (again) in love :))) It is hidden, yes, it is hidden. The love is hidden, the hate is hidden too. Concealed. By lovely and ugly words, by misunderstood and wrongly understood words and movements, by ignorance, by conditioning, by blackmails, by manipulations, by fears, by coverings and wrappings, by overcoats and blankets, by tablecloths over the eyes and on the televisons, without an eye. What your heart is teling you? It tells me about love, even you are stepping on me, even if I am leaving. It tells me that only with the love in me I can resist and move.

Od očekivanja do praštanja ili priča o šetanju rođendanskog poklona / From expectation to forgivness or The story of „promenade“ of a birthday gift

Priča počinje s jednim rođendanom, zapravo, puno ranije, jer svatko od nas ima svoje zamisli o tome kako bi svijet trebao izgledati, svoje matrice, obrasce, dojmove i poduke iz života… i očekivanja. No, da počnem ipak s rođendanom; malo je lakše pratiti slijed misli. Bio je, dakle, taj rođendan. Jedna je stanarka zgrade imala rođendan. Druga je stanarka dotičnoj pripremila poklon i, kao što je slavljenica neko vrijeme ranije učinila njoj, ostavila ga je u vrećici na kvaki slavljeničinog stana, misleći da će tako biti primjereno i 'odobreno'. No onda je krenulo. Šetanje tog poklona. Vrećica s poklonom je tri dana visila na vratima, netaknuta. Slijedeća dva dana je bila pored kante za otpad, netaknuta. I narednih četiri dana pojavila se na prozoru slavljeničina stana, dekorirana s još nekim stvarima. Potom je nestala s vidika, kao da je nikad nije niti bilo.   Toliko o šetanju… A sad da vidimo kako se osjećala ona koja je poklon, u najboljoj namjeri 'predala'.   Prvo ju je zgrabila tuga, pa misli 'što mi je ovo trebalo', 'mogla sam biti na miru'... Bilo je tu i prigušenog bijesa i prosuđivanja ponašanja susjede, pokušaja razumijevanja, prihvaćanja… Čuđenje i praćenje te šetnje svaki je dan pomalo izvlačilo nakupljene osjećaje i misli, dok konačno, nije došlo 'otkrivenje', 'svanuće'… Došla je do mogućnosti izbora i suočila se sa dva: ·    Istjerivanje pravde i pokretanje rata. ·    Oprost i zadržavanje mira. Svog mira. Shvatila je da je izbor doista u njenim rukama. I između pravde i mira, izabrala je mir po prvi put u životu. Kao što reče, „Oprost je nešto najosobnije što možemo dati, i ne tražiti zauzvrat ništa, jer i nije namjenjen nekome drugome, oprost dajemo zbog sebe, zbog vlastitog MIRA. Oprost je odluka da je obnavljanje vlastitog mira puno važnije od uništavanja nečijeg tuđeg mira.“

The story begins with one birthday. Actually, it starts much earlier, because each of us has its own concept of how the world should look, its own matrixes, patterns, impressions and lessons from life… and expectations, too. However, let mi start with a birthday; it would be easier to follow the flow of thoughts. So, it was the birthday. One of the tenants in the building had a birthday. The other one prepared a gift and, as the birthday girl had done some time earlier to her, she left it in the bag on the door of the birthday girl’s apartment, thinking it would be appropriate and ‘approved’. But, then started. The “promenade” of that present. The bag with the present stayed on the door for three days, untouched. Next two days it was next to the waste bin, untouched. And in the next four days it appeared at the window of the birthday girl’s apartment, decorated with some other things. Then it disappeared, as it was never been there. So much of “promenade”… And now, let us see what were the feelings of that one who ‘delivered’ the gift, in the best intention. First she was gripped by sadness, than by thougths of ‘what was supposed to me this’, ‘I could be in peace’… There were also a muted anger and judgment of neighbor’s behavior, attempts to understand, to accept… Wondering and following that gift’s walk, every day somehow pulled out accumulated feelings and thoughts, until finally, ‘revelation’, ‘waning’… occurred. She had few choices and faced two main ones: ·    Seeking justice and starting the war. ·    Forgivness and keeping a peace. Her own peace. She realized that the choice was, indeed, in her hands. And, beetwen a justice and a peace, she chose a peace, for the first time in her life. As she said, “Forgivness is the most personal thing we can give, and not to ask anything in return, because it is not intended to anyone else. We give forgivness for our own sake, for our own peace. Forgivness is a decision that the regeneration of one’s own peace is much more important than destruction of someone else’s peace.”