Što s tom ljubavlju? / What to do with that love?

 

Kaže on meni: Nije pjesma… Htio sam ti reći da te volim, ali rekli smo da to nećemo. Htio sam ti reći mišek pišek, ali je i to van pameti. Htio sam te pitati da li je moguće, ovu ljubav koju osjećam prema tebi dignuti još više napraviti je besmrtnom ne usmjerenom na tebe već na cijeli univerzum ili barem na samog mene? Mora biti nešto više, od moje želje da svršavam u tebi i da te držim za ruku dok se šetamo po mjesečini. Mora biti nešto više, od naše želje da imamo djecu i da ih zajedno odgajamo. Mora biti nešto više, od zajedničkog života, jer to smo sve već imali, to smo sve već vidjeli. Ne znam kako da ti kažem da te volim i da te želim i da želim plaziti po tebi i da volim biti u tvom društvu ali mora biti nešto iznad nešto čemu težimo ti, više nego ja a opet zajedno jer smo se zbog toga našli mora biti nešto više mora biti Kako do toga, pametna moja ljubavi? Kako do toga, molim te reci mi! Nemoj, okolišati Reci mi!       Ja ću na to: ... upravo tako... medo moj veliki :) ups! :D prestat ćemo misliti na... ono što nam paše ili ne ono što nam se sviđa ili ne one koji nas 'vole' ili ne i počet ćemo Biti... bez razloga bez razmišljanja bez prosuđivanja samo ćemo Biti... Sretni Zadovoljni Spokojni Ljubavni... (joj kako otrcano zvuče samo riječi) zajedno ili ne kad smo Jedno... sa sobom s tobom sa svime što postoji ili ne ...   :*

He says to me: It’s not a poem… I wanted to tell you I love you, but we agreed not to do that. I wanted to call you "sweetie-pie," but that’s just silly, too. I wanted to ask you if it’s possible to elevate this love I feel for you even higher, to make it immortal— not directed at you, but at the entire universe, or at least at myself? There has to be something more than just my desire to cum inside you and hold your hand while we walk in the moonlight. There has to be something more than our desire to have children and raise them together. There has to be something more than just a life together, because we’ve already had all that; we’ve already seen it all. I don’t know how to tell you that I love you and want you, and that I want to crawl all over you, and that I love being in your company, but there has to be something beyond that— something we strive for, you more than me, yet together, because that’s why we found each other; there has to be something more, there has to be. How do we get there, my clever love? How do we get there? Please, tell me! Don’t beat around the bush. Tell me!   And I reply: ... exactly... my big teddy bear :) oops! :D we’ll stop thinking about... what suits us or doesn’t what we like or don’t those who ‘love’ us or don’t and we’ll start Being... without reason without overthinking without judgment we’ll simply Be... Happy Content Serene Loving... (oh, how trite those words sound) together or not when we are One... with ourselves with you with everything that exists or doesn’t ...     :*

Na vrištini / On the heat

 

Svaki put kad sam izdala sebe, dio mene je počeo vrištati… što ih je više, jače vrište… kako ih iscijeliti?     Vrištim jer sam nečujena. Jer samu sebe nisam čula, nisam htjela čuti.   Svaki put kad sam drugima dala prednost, iako sam znala ishod, nisam čula sebe, ignorirala sam sebe, kao što me ni drugi nisu čuli ili me ušutkavaše, dio mene je zašutio izvana, a zavrištao iznutra…     I što sad? Sad svi ti nečujeni dijelovi mene, vrište… vrište drugima da ih čuju, a ja ih i dalje ignoriram i čudim se… i dalje ih utišavam, jer ih ne prihvaćam.   Prihvatim li ih, zagrlim li ih, hoće li biti sretni? Ne znam. Hoću li ja biti sretna? Ne znam. Hoće li drugi biti sretni? Boli me k…   na vrištini

Every time I betrayed myself, a part of me started screaming… the more of them there are, the louder they scream… how to heal them?   I scream because I am unheard. Because I didn’t hear myself, I didn’t want to hear myself.   Every time I gave others priority, even though I knew the outcome, I didn’t hear myself, I ignored myself, just as others didn’t hear me or silenced me, a part of me fell silent on the outside, and screamed on the inside… and now what?   Now all those unheard parts of me, scream… scream for others to hear them, and I continue to ignore them and wonder… I continue to silence them, because I don’t accept them.   If I accept them, if I embrace them, will they be happy? I don’t know. Will I be happy? I don’t know. Will others be happy? I don’t give a sh…

Paralelni procesi ili tanka je granica između... ljubavi i mržnje/ Paralell processes or the thin line between... love and hate

Naravno da sam zaspala, preslušavajući predavanje... Probudi me frend, vidno raspoložen, nakon što je ujutro slušao nešto što mu je poslužilo kao okidač da poludi na sve koji su ga pokušavali korigirati, uključujući i mene, pa me nije mogao nazvati prije, dok se nije posvađao i pomirio sa mnom, u glavi svojoj... Pa mi kaže: Što ja mislim o tebi? Ukratko, mislim da si rođeni vođa, da si samostalna, divna osoba, marljiva i pametna. Pedantna. Negativne kvalitete: Preosjetljiva, predugo čekaš da odgovoriš pa onda explodiraš ili na van ili prema unutra. Ovo mi je toliko razgalilo dušu da mu odgovorih: Daj mi, molim te, objasni, kako me možeš voljeti toliko, sve više, samo nekoliko sati nakon što si popizdio na mene, i to bez mog udjela, samo projicirajući…? Ne znam... to ti je paralelni proces... sve se odvija paralelno u srcu i u glavi... ne znam ti ja to objasniti... kad mi je srce otvoreno, možeš mi skakati po glavi i ja ću te obožavati... a s druge strane, kad počneš piliti, srce se potpuno suzi i nestane... puf... Gledaj draga, s jedne strane si mi OK. I kao sestra si mi. I volim te tako. Ali s druge strane, kad popizdim, onda me svaka sekunda koju provedem bez tebe žari poput polja kopriva. I ti mi sad reci. Da li te volim ili sam zaljubljeni ili što? Ma... ti si blentav!!! Ovisnik! Zaljubljen! Predivan! Voliš... i voljen! (OK, ponekad te uhvati i strast :D) Volim te, blentone... pa čak i kad popizdiš... ne mogu si pomoć! Valjda sam i ja blentava... :* Jel ti jasno da, kad te ćope emocije (ljutnja), onda se (opet) zaljubiš :))) Skriveno je, da, skriveno. Skrivena je i ljubav, kao i mržnja. Prikrivena. Lijepim i ružnim riječima, neshvaćenim i krivo shvaćenim riječima i pokretima, ignoriranjem, neznanjem, uvjetovanjima, ucjenama, manipulacijama, strahovima, omotima i zamotajima, ogrtačima i prekrivačima, tabletićima preko očiju i televizorima, bez oka. Što ti srce govori? Govori mi o ljubavi, čak i kad me gaziš, čak i kad odlazim, govori mi da se samo ljubavlju u sebi mogu oduprijeti i pomaknuti se.

I fell asleep, of course, listening to the lecture… My friend woke me up, in the mood – this morning he was listening something which was a trigger to made him mad on every one who tried to correct him. Of course, I was also included, so he could not call me earlier – first he had to fight, and reconcile with me. In his head, naturally… So he is telling me: What do I think about you? Shortly, I think you are native lider, you are independent, wonderful person, diligent and smart. Pedantic. Negative quality: oversensitive, you wait too long to answer to others, than you explode – either on outside or inside. This inflamed my soul so much that I answered to him: Please, explain me, how can you love me so much, more and more, only few hours after you were angry with me, even without me, only by your own projection…? I don’t know… that is a parallel process… everything is going on parallel, in the heart and in the head, also… I can not explain it to you… When my heart is open, you can jump on my head and I will adore you… On the other hand, when you start to bother, my heart will completely narrows down and disappear… puf… Look, my dear one, on the one hand you are OK. And you are like a sister to me. And I love you as it is. On the other hand, when I am pissed, than every second which I spend without you is burning like I am in the nettle field. So tell me. Do I love you or I am in love or what? Well… you are crazy!!! An addict! In love! Wonderful! You love… and you are loved! (OK, sometimes you are rulled by the passion :D) I love you, crazy one… and even if you are pissed… I cannot help myself! I suppose I am crazy too… :* Can you see - when you are in emotion (angry), than you fall (again) in love :))) It is hidden, yes, it is hidden. The love is hidden, the hate is hidden too. Concealed. By lovely and ugly words, by misunderstood and wrongly understood words and movements, by ignorance, by conditioning, by blackmails, by manipulations, by fears, by coverings and wrappings, by overcoats and blankets, by tablecloths over the eyes and on the televisons, without an eye. What your heart is teling you? It tells me about love, even you are stepping on me, even if I am leaving. It tells me that only with the love in me I can resist and move.