Obrasci / Patterns

Određene stvari koje ti kažeš uzrokuju određenu reakciju u tebi, kao recimo, jedan obrazac je da ja lažem stalno… Haa? Ja kad god pričam s tobom, lažem. Molim? Ja nikad ne pričam istinu kad pričam s tobom… Ozbiljno? Zar bih ja toliko pričala s nekim ko toliko laže? To je ono što ja stalno čujem i to je jako teško za probaviti. Jako teško. Je li to možda jedan od tvojih obrazaca? Ne, ozbiljno te pitam. Pa, pljeskao sam ti da si pogodila, čestitam… Mislim, kad ti velim ozbiljno te pitam, to znači… To znači da jesi. Da, jesi, da. Ja sam ti rekao, da kad meni netko nešto loše kaže… ja to multipliciram, onako, fino puno puta. Mislim da jako puno nas ima taj problem… Pa, čuj, to ti je osnova kršćanstva – krivnja… Zar ti ne dosadi taj osjećaj krivnje? Zašto mu se ne počneš smijati, da ga baciš od sebe… Misliš? Dokle god reagiramo, taj osjećaj krivnje neće nestati… (Tišina) Kaj? Mdaa… pa ne znam baš… nisam baš siguran ni u šta… Pa da, ako si… pa lijepo si rekao… ako si slobodan, slobodan si od svega… Ne bih rekao baš… Daj mi pojasni… Pa, kad je tako stalno nešto krivo… ja sam rekao 'ma boli me k…' Ali nije baš ispalo dobro… Pa, da, zato što emocija s kojom si to rekao nije ono što oslobađa… Pa, mislim… halo… Nije stvar u tome da veliš 'ma boli me k…', nego da doista ne reagiraš. Da napraviš najbolje što možeš i ne reagiraš na moguće reakcije oko toga da si ti nešto napravio loše ili dobro. (kasnije) Cijeli život sam treniran da će te ono što dobro napraviš, lupiti u glavu, pa to ne smiješ pustiti. Na primjer, pobijedim na natjecanju, a tata kaže 'a dobro ajde nisi izgubio ovaj put…' Ha ha ha ha I to ti je nagrada… Ha ha. A da li možeš sad tu situaciju promotriti sa njegove točke gledanja, jer ako sam ja dobro shvatila… Pa mogu, jer on me uvijek učio da ne budem… jer on me htio pohvaliti, ali da mi ne udari u glavu… on je stalno mislio… on me podržavao kad se bilo što loše dogodilo… on me podržavao, nije prigovarao… nego bi rekao… 'a dobro je, proći će…' ali, kad god sam nešto dobro napravio, to je bilo isto… i to će proći…

Certain things which you are saying are causing some reaction in you, i. e, one pattern is that I am lying all the time… What? I am lying, always, when I speak to you. Sorry? I am never saying the truth speaking with you… Really? Would I speak so much with someone who is lying so much? That is something I hear all the time and this is so heavy to digest. Very heavy. Is this, maybe, some of your patterns? No, I am seriously asking. Well, I was applauding to you. You guessed it, my congratulation… I mean, when I am saying to you I am serious, that means… That means yes, you are right. Yes, you are, yes. I have told, when someone tells me something bad… I am multiplying this, so, many, many times. I think that many of us have that problem… Well, this is base of Christianity – guilt… Aren’t you sick of that feeling of guilty? Why not to laugh to it, to throw it from yourself… You think so? Until we react, that feeling of guilty will not disappear… (Silence) What? Yesss… well I don’t know… I am not so sure in anything… Well, if you are… but you told very nice… if you are free, you are free from everything… I would not say so… Explain it to me… Well, something is always wrong… I have told ‘well, I don’t give a shit…’ But it was not so good… Well, yes, it was because that emotion you were talking with was not that one which makes you free… I think… hello… It is not the point in saying ‘I don’t give a shit…’ You have to not react. You have to make things the best you can and not to react on possible reactions about you made it bad or good. (later on) The whole my life I was trained that everything you make good will made you proud, and you can not let it be. So, I win the competition, my father say ‘ah, good, you didn’t loose this time…’ Ha ha ha ha And this is your award… Ha ha. And can you now look at this situation from his point of view, because if I understood… Well, I can. He always taught me not to be… he wanted to praise me, but not to make me proud… he always thought… he supported me when something bad happened… he supported me, he didn’t criticized… he would say… ‘it is good, it will pass away..’ but, every time I made some good thing, it was the same… that will pass away too…