Od očekivanja do praštanja ili priča o šetanju rođendanskog poklona / From expectation to forgivness or The story of „promenade“ of a birthday gift

Priča počinje s jednim rođendanom, zapravo, puno ranije, jer svatko od nas ima svoje zamisli o tome kako bi svijet trebao izgledati, svoje matrice, obrasce, dojmove i poduke iz života… i očekivanja. No, da počnem ipak s rođendanom; malo je lakše pratiti slijed misli. Bio je, dakle, taj rođendan. Jedna je stanarka zgrade imala rođendan. Druga je stanarka dotičnoj pripremila poklon i, kao što je slavljenica neko vrijeme ranije učinila njoj, ostavila ga je u vrećici na kvaki slavljeničinog stana, misleći da će tako biti primjereno i 'odobreno'. No onda je krenulo. Šetanje tog poklona. Vrećica s poklonom je tri dana visila na vratima, netaknuta. Slijedeća dva dana je bila pored kante za otpad, netaknuta. I narednih četiri dana pojavila se na prozoru slavljeničina stana, dekorirana s još nekim stvarima. Potom je nestala s vidika, kao da je nikad nije niti bilo.   Toliko o šetanju… A sad da vidimo kako se osjećala ona koja je poklon, u najboljoj namjeri 'predala'.   Prvo ju je zgrabila tuga, pa misli 'što mi je ovo trebalo', 'mogla sam biti na miru'... Bilo je tu i prigušenog bijesa i prosuđivanja ponašanja susjede, pokušaja razumijevanja, prihvaćanja… Čuđenje i praćenje te šetnje svaki je dan pomalo izvlačilo nakupljene osjećaje i misli, dok konačno, nije došlo 'otkrivenje', 'svanuće'… Došla je do mogućnosti izbora i suočila se sa dva: ·    Istjerivanje pravde i pokretanje rata. ·    Oprost i zadržavanje mira. Svog mira. Shvatila je da je izbor doista u njenim rukama. I između pravde i mira, izabrala je mir po prvi put u životu. Kao što reče, „Oprost je nešto najosobnije što možemo dati, i ne tražiti zauzvrat ništa, jer i nije namjenjen nekome drugome, oprost dajemo zbog sebe, zbog vlastitog MIRA. Oprost je odluka da je obnavljanje vlastitog mira puno važnije od uništavanja nečijeg tuđeg mira.“

The story begins with one birthday. Actually, it starts much earlier, because each of us has its own concept of how the world should look, its own matrixes, patterns, impressions and lessons from life… and expectations, too. However, let mi start with a birthday; it would be easier to follow the flow of thoughts. So, it was the birthday. One of the tenants in the building had a birthday. The other one prepared a gift and, as the birthday girl had done some time earlier to her, she left it in the bag on the door of the birthday girl’s apartment, thinking it would be appropriate and ‘approved’. But, then started. The “promenade” of that present. The bag with the present stayed on the door for three days, untouched. Next two days it was next to the waste bin, untouched. And in the next four days it appeared at the window of the birthday girl’s apartment, decorated with some other things. Then it disappeared, as it was never been there. So much of “promenade”… And now, let us see what were the feelings of that one who ‘delivered’ the gift, in the best intention. First she was gripped by sadness, than by thougths of ‘what was supposed to me this’, ‘I could be in peace’… There were also a muted anger and judgment of neighbor’s behavior, attempts to understand, to accept… Wondering and following that gift’s walk, every day somehow pulled out accumulated feelings and thoughts, until finally, ‘revelation’, ‘waning’… occurred. She had few choices and faced two main ones: ·    Seeking justice and starting the war. ·    Forgivness and keeping a peace. Her own peace. She realized that the choice was, indeed, in her hands. And, beetwen a justice and a peace, she chose a peace, for the first time in her life. As she said, “Forgivness is the most personal thing we can give, and not to ask anything in return, because it is not intended to anyone else. We give forgivness for our own sake, for our own peace. Forgivness is a decision that the regeneration of one’s own peace is much more important than destruction of someone else’s peace.”

Možda te volim :) / Maybe I love you :)

Iz usputnog razgovora, ponekad svašta izađe… Evo što mi reče moj najdraži (ne)prijatelj ;) Ne, ne voliš me! Ti voliš zamišljenu sliku mene. Ali ja nisam to. Ja sam nešto drugo. I što je, zapravo, ljubav? Da li je to misliti na tebe, razmišljati o tebi, sjetiti te se osjetiti kako mi se srce topi željeti biti s tobom očarati te biti pod tvojom čarolijom spavati s tobom ne spavati s tobom pokazivati ti se praviti se važan pred tobom Što? Što je ljubav, zapravo? I može li biti ljubavi među nama? Kada ćemo uvijek biti razdvojeni? Najviši oblik Ljubavi je, prema Krišnijevcima, kada su ljubavnici razdvojeni… pa… ;)

During chit chat… sometimes things come out… Here is what my dearest (not)friend told me ;) No, you don't! You, like an imaginary picture of me. But I am not that. I am something else. And what is love, actually? Is it thinking on you, about you, remembering you feeling my hear melt wishing to be with you to have you under my spell to be under your spell to sleep with you not to sleep with you showing myself to you showing off to you What? What is love, actually? And can there be love between us? When we will always be separated? The highest form of Love according to Vaishnavas is when lovers are separated... so... ;)

Ljestvica / Standards

Često sam puta čula da mi pamet smeta ili da mi je ljestvica previsoko. Pokušala sam se „korigirati“, ali nije išlo. Ja sam bivala sve nesretnija, a ni oni oko mene nisu bili dovoljno dugo sretni. Plakala sam, dolazeći do zida koji nisam mogla prijeći, zaobići, probiti. Molila sam se nad provalijama očaja. Jednostavno se previše skupilo... I pitala sam se... Nikako da uzmem dovoljno zaleta... da se odmaknem od svega lošeg. Možda ni ne trebam? Ali, kako da prestanem plakati... Možda ni ne trebam? I pomislila sam – kako se prolaze puno gore stvari? Ili je moja ljestvica doista previsoko??? Ne može biti... stalno je spuštam i sve lošije se osjećam – nije to ono što treba činiti... Treba izdržati...

So many times I have heard ‘your mind is annoying you’ or ‘your standards are too high’. I tried to do some ‘corrections’, but it did not work. I would become more and more unhappy and those around me would not be happy long enough. I was crying; hitting the wall I could not cross/pass/break trough. I prayed during the despair. Simply, it was to much… And I wondered… I could not get enough space… to run away from everything what was bad. Maybe I do not need to? But, how to stop crying… Maybe I do not need to? And I thought – how people are going through much much worse things? Or my scale was really risen to high??? It could not be so… I am veering it all the time and I feel even worse afterwards– this is not that what should be done… I should endure…