Opraštanje / Forgiveness

Opraštanje je dubok izdah, nakon kojeg slijedi opuštanje, oslobađanje. Očekivala sam „žao mi je“, a ne „oprosti za…“ nešto što si znao da ćeš učiniti. Samo „žao mi je“. A ne nestanak bez riječi. Griješimo. Očekujemo. Povređujemo. Kad ću oprostiti? Kako oprostiti? Kad osjećam se nedorečeno. Kad sam ponovno prekinuta u pola koraka, a druge strane nema da dovršim svoj korak. Moram sama. Ako ne može biti dorečeno u dvoje, moram doreći sama. Prihvatiti nedorečeno... razumjeti... Prihvatiti i pustiti. Možda i nije do mene. Ako mogu razumjeti i pustiti... možda doista i nije do mene. Ne mogu biti kriva za tuđe nerazumijevanje i neprihvaćanje. Učinila si sve što si mogla, rekla je. Učinila sam sve što sam mogla... Opraštam sebi. I tebi. I dišem ponovno. Duboko.

Forgivness is deep exhalation, after which comes relaxing, release. I expected “I am sorry”, not “Sorry for…” something you knew you will do. Just “sorry”. Not disappearance, without words. We make mistakes. We expect. We hurt others. When will I forgive? How to forgive? When I feel understated, unfinished. When I have been interrupted, again, in a half step, and there is no other side to finishing my step. I have to do for myself. If it cannot be said in two, I have to say it alone. To accept untold… to understand… To accept and let it go. Maybe it is not my fault. If I can understand and let it go… maybe it is not my fault, at all. I cannot be guilty for misunderstanding of others and unacceptance. You have done what you could, she told. I have done what I could. I forgive myself. I forgive you. And I breath again. Fully.

Osveta / Revenge

Pišem i plačem. Plačem pišući o tebi. A ne mogu ništa reći… da ne bih… da ne bih… da ostanem stajati, bez obzira… da ostanem stajati… da se ne slomim… da se ne slomim… da se ne… Ne prestajem plakati. Doista, ne znam što s tim. Dio mene nema veze s tim. Ali, nešto nedostaje. Nešto nedostaje. Nije u redu. Nije u redu da prođe bez kazne, čineći i dalje ono što čini. O, da, želim da ga snađe Ruka Pravde… Iako, vjerujem da je i mene snašla… i mene je... Imam li uopće pravo na to? Imam li? Probudih se u gluho doba noći u čudu. Bolovi me natjeraše da odvrtim film. I osjetih osvetu. I zapitah se 'Dolazi li to od mene?' Oh, ne želim negativnost iz sebe, ali niti u sebe. I, shvatih da su sve samo projekcije naših iskustava i očekivanja, i da im ne treba pridavati toliko pažnje. Primijetiti i odbaciti. Biti u središtu. I dobila sam priliku... proći sve... malo drugačije, ali isto. I ponovno sam plakala, ovaj put nad njim. Nad njim koji ne zna, ne vidi to. Ja barem znam, barem vidim... I nisam znala kome je gore, na trenutak... nisam znala... samo na trenutak. Vidjela sam krug u kojem se vrtimo... i nije bilo jasno tko počinje, a tko nastavlja... u krugu... bez kraja i bez početka... I znala sam... moram stati... Ali, kako? I sjetih se Plesa s Tobom... Hvala.

I write and I cry. I am crying writing about you. And I cannot tell anything… not to… not to… to remain standing, no metter what… to remain standing… not to brake… not to breake… not to… I cannot stop crying. Really, I do not know what to do with it. One part of me has nothing to do with it. But something is missing. Something is missing. It is not OK. It is not OK to let it go, without punishment, let him do the same things again. Oh, yes, I want ‘The Hand of Justice’ to reach him… Although, I believe it also reached me… me too… Do I have the rights for that? Do I? I woke up in the middle of the night wondering. Pain made me ‘see the movie of my life’. And I felt revenge. And I asked myself ‘Does it come from me?’ Oh, I do not want negativity neither from myself, neither in myself. And I realized that all was just projection of our experiences and expectations, and it should not require so much attention of us. Notice and reject it. Be in the middle. And I got the chance… to pass through everything… a bit different, but all the same. And, again, I have cried, this time for him. For him who does not know, who cannot see. At least, I know now, I can see it… And, for a moment, I did not know to whome is worse… I did not know… just for the moment. I saw the circle in which we are spinning… and it was not so clear who starts, and who continues… in that circle… without end and without beginning… And I knew… I have to stop… But, how? And then I rememberd the Dance with You… Thank You.

Na ovaj ili na onaj način? / This way, or another?

I dok ležim, zbunjena, razmišljam o 'nama'. Čitavu priču mogu gledati barem na dva načina. 'A' način: On je 'pas lutalica' koji čezne za ljubavlju, za toplinom, za domom. U njemu sam ugledala onu Iskru koju nisam mogla pustiti da se sakrije pod teretom tuge njegove. I kad sam pristala pogaziti sve svoje strahove i druge želje i biti s njim, on se povukao, uplašen da će ostati sam. Ili, 'B' način: on je običan iskompleksirani muškić kojemu je bilo bitno pokazati da može raditi što hoće. Znao je da će me povrijediti i to ga nije ometalo. Bez skrupula. Za moje je duševno stanje, naizgled, bolje da sam Ivana Orleanska ('A' način). Jest da me jedan moj dio uvjerava da je on Don Huan ('B' način), jer je naizgled lakše biti oklopljen oklopom mržnje, nego se otvoriti i biti povrijeđen. Ali samo naizgled. Moja je priroda Ljubav i svaki ubod nasilja i mržnje me ranjava do boli, do smrti. Ne mogu umirati od tih uboda. Radije ću izgorjeti u vatri Ljubavi. Sretna što sam ponovno slobodna, ipak je najbolji način (C :)))

Lying on the bed, confused, I am thinking about ‘us’. At the whole story I can look in two ways, at least. ‘A’ way:  He is a ‘street dog’ craving for love, warmness, home. In him I saw that Spark I couldn’t let go hiding under his sorrow. And when I accepted to wade all of my fears and other whishes, and be with him, he gave up, frightened that he will stay alone.    Or, ‘B’ way: he is an ordinary boy, full of complexes, who wanted to show only that he can whatever he wants. He knew he will hurt me and he did it consciously. Regardless. For my sake, seemingly, it is better to be Joan of Ark (the ‘A’ way). OK, one of my voices insists that he is just Don Juan (the ‘B’ way), because, seemingly, it is easier to be armored with the hatred, than open myself and be affected. But, only seemingly. My real nature is Love and every act of violence and hatred painfully wounds me, to the death. I do not want perish because of that. Rather I would burn in the fire of Love. Happy for being free, again, is the best way, anyway (C :)))

Vječna sumnja / Eternal doubt

Jesi li znao, Dragi moj, što se dogodilo? Kada? Prošle godine??? Ne, Dragi moj. Prije nekoliko godina. I prije toga, i još prije toga. I prije puno godina. Jesi li znao to? Jesi li? I je li to uopće važno? Je li to nešto važno? Je li? Jesi li znao, Dragi moj, za manipulaciju? Jesi li znao za ucjene? Jesi li? Jesi li znao to? I što s tim? Što s tim?  Jesam li bila zaštićena tada? Jesam li? Pa, preživjela sam. I neću to više dopustiti. Kažu da dobivamo onoliko koliko možemo podnijeti. I da nikad nismo sami. Pa, izgleda da je to istina. Samo, nikad to ne smijemo zaboraviti i dopustiti da nas životne situacije slome.

Did You know, my Dear, what happend? When? Last year??? No, my Dear. Few years ago. And before that, and before that. And many years ago. Did You know this? Did You? And is that important at all? Is that something important? Is it? Did You know, my Dear, about manipulation? Did You know, about blackmails? Did You? Did You know that? And what about it? What about it? Was I protected than? Was I? Well, I survived. And I will not allowed it anymore. It is said that we get what we can handle with. And we are never alone. Well, it seems that that is the truth. Just, we should not forget this, ever. And we should not let any life circumstances break us.