Na ovaj ili na onaj način? / This way, or another?

I dok ležim, zbunjena, razmišljam o 'nama'. Čitavu priču mogu gledati barem na dva načina. 'A' način: On je 'pas lutalica' koji čezne za ljubavlju, za toplinom, za domom. U njemu sam ugledala onu Iskru koju nisam mogla pustiti da se sakrije pod teretom tuge njegove. I kad sam pristala pogaziti sve svoje strahove i druge želje i biti s njim, on se povukao, uplašen da će ostati sam. Ili, 'B' način: on je običan iskompleksirani muškić kojemu je bilo bitno pokazati da može raditi što hoće. Znao je da će me povrijediti i to ga nije ometalo. Bez skrupula. Za moje je duševno stanje, naizgled, bolje da sam Ivana Orleanska ('A' način). Jest da me jedan moj dio uvjerava da je on Don Huan ('B' način), jer je naizgled lakše biti oklopljen oklopom mržnje, nego se otvoriti i biti povrijeđen. Ali samo naizgled. Moja je priroda Ljubav i svaki ubod nasilja i mržnje me ranjava do boli, do smrti. Ne mogu umirati od tih uboda. Radije ću izgorjeti u vatri Ljubavi. Sretna što sam ponovno slobodna, ipak je najbolji način (C :)))

Lying on the bed, confused, I am thinking about ‘us’. At the whole story I can look in two ways, at least. ‘A’ way:  He is a ‘street dog’ craving for love, warmness, home. In him I saw that Spark I couldn’t let go hiding under his sorrow. And when I accepted to wade all of my fears and other whishes, and be with him, he gave up, frightened that he will stay alone.    Or, ‘B’ way: he is an ordinary boy, full of complexes, who wanted to show only that he can whatever he wants. He knew he will hurt me and he did it consciously. Regardless. For my sake, seemingly, it is better to be Joan of Ark (the ‘A’ way). OK, one of my voices insists that he is just Don Juan (the ‘B’ way), because, seemingly, it is easier to be armored with the hatred, than open myself and be affected. But, only seemingly. My real nature is Love and every act of violence and hatred painfully wounds me, to the death. I do not want perish because of that. Rather I would burn in the fire of Love. Happy for being free, again, is the best way, anyway (C :)))