A kad smo već kod krivnje... / ... when we speak about guilt...

Kao djevojčica, a kasnije i kao djevojka, i kao žena, susretala sam se s čestim pokušajima nabacivanja krivnje. Na žalost, mnoštvo takvih pokušaja, neminovno je ostavilo traga. Pitala sam se čime sam izazivala i pokušavala se prilagođavati prigovorima... Nakon nekog vremena shvatila sam da nešto nije u redu – što god pokušavala, rezultat bi uvijek bio isti: privlačenje muškaraca na način koji mi nije bio ni na kraj pameti. Naravno, zato što sam ja žena, a oni su muškarci! Radilo se o privlačenju suprotnih energija, koje teže spajanju. Ne bi to bio problem da su obje strane zainteresirane, da žele isto – fizičko sjedinjavanje. Problem nastaje kad meni nije ni na kraj pameti fizičko druženje, a uvjerava me se da jest ili, još gore, da sam sama to tražila. Čime? Oblačenjem, frizurom, šminkom, smijanjem... Neko vrijeme sam pokušavala smanjiti sve moguće izazove – oblačila sam se više kao muškarac, zakopčana do grla, odjeća što šira, kosa čupava, neugledna, lice bez šminke, bez osmijeha... Mislite da je pomoglo? Nije. Mislite da sam bila sretna što se ne smijem? Jer, čim se nasmijem, krene... Ne, ne zezam se... Onda sam odlučila biti sretna. I govoriti unaprijed što mi jest, a što nije namjera. Nije ni to pomoglo. Odnekud se javila spika 'misliš da, iako govoriš ne...' Onda sam rekla 'OK. Dosta!' I tražila da mi se odgovori što sam točno napravila i da li bi pomoglo da sam napravila nešto drugo... I počela sam dobivati odgovore... sad više nije bila kriva moja odjeća ili smijeh već 'energija', pa 'sloboda', pa... Da bismo na koncu došli do toga da, zapravo, nikad i nije bio problem u meni. Ili u mom oblačenju. Problem je bio u tuđoj pohoti. I traženju opravdanja za nju. A pohota se pretvarala u mržnju kad nije zadovoljena. A mržnja se očitovala u fizičkom nametanju (kad intelektualno nije bilo uspješno). A kad nije uspijevalo ni fizičko nametanje, onda se primjenjivalo načelo 'većine', odnosno brojčane nadmoći... Žalosno... Žalosno... Žalosno...	As a little girl, and later as an adolescent, and as a woman too, I have encountered many attempts when people tried to impose feeling of guilt, onto me. Unfortunately, many of those attempts left trace... I asked myself what I have done to cause it and tried to adjust myself… After a while I realized that something is wrong – whatever I tried, the result was always the same: attracting men in the way I did not want. Of course, it was because I am a woman, and they were men! It was simply attracting opposite energies, with merging tendencies. It will not be the problem if both sides were interested, if both sides wanted the same – physical union. The problem appears when I have no any physical intension, but the other side assures me that I have it, or, the worse, that I want it. With what? With my cloth, hair, make up, smile… For some time I tried to minimize all those ‘challenges’ – I dressed myself more like man, reserved, wide cloth; the hair was fluffy, seamy; without make up; no smile… Do you think it helped? No. Do you think I was happy not to smile? Because, when I smile, it goes… No, I am not joking… Then I decided to be happy. And speak in advance what is and what is not my attention. It was not of much help, too. Now the reaction was: You just speak ‘no’, but you think ‘yes’… Then I said ‘OK. Enough!’ And I insisted on answers what I have done, exactly, and is there something I could do instead… And answers started coming… problem was not in my cloth or my smile any more… it was my ‘energy’, ‘freedom’, and so on… Finally, we came to the point that never was me. Or my dress. The problem was in someone’s lust. And in finding an excuse for it. And lust transforms into hatred, when it is not satisfied. And the hatred manifested in physical imposition (if intellectual imposition is not successful). And when the physical imposition was not successful, too, then implements principle of ‘majority’, quantitative supremacy… It is so sad… It is so sad… It is so sad…
Angry Indian Goddesses
Sjeti se da si besmrtna i uzdigni se iz osjećaja krivnje. I ne dopusti da ti je itko nabaci. I ne nabacuj je niti ti drugima.	Remember that you are the immortal one and raise from the feeling of guilt. And do not allow yourself to be imposed by it. And do not do it to others, too.