Ljubav je čudna stvar... / Love is a strange thing

I onda si se išao odmorit… Da, i onda mi je palo na pamet da se to nije možda SAMO odnosilo na tu situaciju nego na možda JOŠ koju situaciju… I onda? I onda sam ti napisao što sam ti napisao. Al to je bilo tako onako, pre… vodeno… vjetrovito… da… da bi išta značilo… a kad sam ti napisao, onda si se ti uhvatila toga ko pijan plota… i to ti je tako… Buraz, ja tebe jako volim… Ma, ne vjerujem ti više ništa (histerični smijeh)… mislim, ono… ti si sadista, e… Kako sad? Mučiš ljude, e… Glavna zanimacija: mučenje ljudi. Nije istina! Koga ja mučim? Osim tebe. Ma, mislim… ja sam dovoljan, e… Aha, da… vas ima više… pa je to automatski množina… Zašto ti sad mene voliš? To je bilo pitanje ili…? Da, to je bilo PITANJE. Kad mi nakon jednog takvog razgovora kažeš 'ja tebe baš volim'… zašto me voliš? Kad, ono, imam osjećaj da me hoćeš umlatiti, ono, rastrgat zubima, kužiš ono, na sirovo, kužiš… ona meni 'ja te jako volim'… na KOJU FORU? Pa, zato što, hhhhmmm, si mi, u stvari, htio reć da ti mene jako voliš. (haha) Paaa, daaaa? Da, da, naravno, naravno… Kak si pogodila?

And then, you were resting... Yes, and then I remembered that maybe it was not relating ONLY on that situation, but maybe on SOME other situations... And then? And then I have written already to you what I did. But it was so, too much... watery... windy... to... to mean something... and when I have written it to you, you held on it so blindly... and that is so... Bro, I love you very much... I don't believe you anything (hysterically laughing)... I mean... you are sadist, yes... How come? You are torturing people, yes... The main occupation: torturing people. It isn't true! Whom am I torturing? Except you. I mean... I am enough, yes... Yes, yes... there are few in you... and that is automatically plural... Why you love me now? That was the question or...? Yes, that was the QUESTION. When you told me, after such a conversation, 'I love you'... Why you love me? When I have, I mean, I have feeling you want to kick me, I mean, to tear me with your teeth, you know, live, you know... she told me 'I love you so much'... HOW COME? Well, it's because, ahhhhmmm, you wanted, actually, tell me you love me very much. (haha) Welll, yeeesss? Yes, yes, of course, of course... How you guessed it?

Razlike / Differences

Mislim ono, daješ si za pravo neke stvari koje uopće nisu tvoje pravo. Ti nemaš pravo odlučivati tko će tebi (ha ha ha) Mmaaa, tko ima pravo? (buahahahaha) Samo osoba koja o tome razmišlja… ona ima pravo da razmisli. Na tebi je samo da ti dokažeš toj osobi da bi trebala podijeliti te misli sa tobom, ako uspiješ… ne možeš očekivati od nekog… Jel tebi sad jasno zakaj je mene strah da ćeš ti napraviti neku glupost? Da, da, znam, je… jel ti jasno zašto sam se dogovorio samo sa sobom,a ne s tobom… Mislim, to su mi i drugi radili... Aha. Al to ti je fora… I još su se čudili što se ja ne slažem... Al to ti je fora… to ti muški misle da je fora. Zato što si umisle zapravo da je to ono što ti želiš… Ne, gle, meni je fora, ako sam s nekim, kužiš, i ako me taj neko voli, da me iznenada poljubi, kužiš, to mi je super fora, ali nije mi super fora da , ne znam, dođe, i snimi si priču da ćemo imat djecu bez da se sa mnom dogovori. Mislim, kužiš razliku? Da, da… apsolutno kužim razliku. Ja kužim razliku, al obično ljudi ne kuže razliku. Ti kužiš razliku? Da. Logično je. (tišina) I? (tišina) Slušam te. Ma ne, nego si zastala… (tišina) Što slušaš? Ma ne, nego razmišljam… možda… Jesi siguran da znaš razliku? Znam razliku, ali ne znači da.. Ja znam razliku, ali ne znači da bih postupio po tome… Znala sam da postoji neka caka!

Come on, you are claiming some things which isn't your right at all. You do not have the right to decide who will (ha ha ha) Bbuttt, who has the right? (buahahahaha) Only that person who is thinking of it... that person has right to think over. You can only prove to that person he/she has to share with you those thoughts, if you can... you can't expect from someone... Is it clear to you, now, why I fear you will make some stupid thing? Yes, yes, I know, it is... is it clear to you why I made deal with me, not with you... I mean, the others did the same to me... Yes. But that is cool... And they wandered why I am not agreeing... But that is cool... men think that is cool. They imagine it is actually what you want... No, look, for me it's cool, if I am with someone, you know, and he loves me, if he kissed me suddenly, you know. That is really cool. But it is not cool to, I don't know, to come and imagine that we'll have children, without my agreement. I mean, can you see the difference? Yes, Yes... I can see it, absolutely. I can see the difference, but people usually can't see it. You can see it? Yes. It's logical. (silence) And? (silence) I am listening to you. No, you stopped... (silence) What are you listening to? No, I am thinking... maybe... Are you sure you know the difference? I know the difference, but it doesn't mean... I know the difference, but it doesn't mean I will act accordingly... I knew there is some catch!

Zakaj me ne slušaš?? / Why aren't you listening to me??

Dakle, kad ti netko kaže 'ništa me ne slušaš', ti si to protumačiš tako daaa… tako da si upozoren da ne snimaš filmove u glavi. Jel to? Da. Ono što misliš zapravo ne mora biti istina. Ti pokušavaš napraviti nešto najbolje, ali zapravo uvijek ispadne nešto drugo. Dobro. E, sad… ono što mene oduvijek muči… još od kad sam… ... bila u djetinjstvu, mala, da… Ne. No, dobro, nije važno. To što mene muči je da vi, muški, umjesto da kažete ženi na koju mislite, ono što mislite, vi sebi u glavi snimite set koji vam paše, iz nekog razloga, i onda po njemu djelujete. Dobro. I? Pa sad ću te ja pitat: 'zakaj me ne slušaš???' Zakaj mi ne kažeš što mi hoćeš reć, a ne... ti sebi snimaš u svojoj glavi! Mislim, ak se mene tiče.    (tišina) Kad smo mi počeli ovaj razgovor? Mislim, uz prekide... Danas? Da, da… znači u 9, u 9:10. Ja ti 10 minuta pokušavam nešto protumačiti što meni samom nije baš najjasnije. Ti misliš da sam ja TOTALNO LUD i da ću ja tebi reći SVE što se događa u mojoj glavi i onda više NIKAD ne prekinut razgovor sa tobom zato što ćeš ti imati 6.847 pitanja… Zašto ovo nismo snimali? Ja to ne mogu sve popamtiti... (zalegli oboje od smijeha)

So, when someone tells you 'You aren't listening to me', you think it is... that is warning not to make movies in your head. Isn't it? Yes. That what you think about hasn't to be the truth. You are trying to make something the best you can, but always something else comes out. Good. Now... what bothers me... since I was... ... you were child, young, yes... No. But, OK, it doesn't matter. That what is bothering me is that you, men, instead to say to the woman on which you are thinking, that what you are thinking, you make a movie in your head, which suits to you, for some reason, and then also you act accordingly. Good. And? Well, now I will ask you: 'Why aren't you listening to me???' Why don't you tell me what you want to tell, but no... you are making a movie in your head! I mean, if it's something what is concerning me. (silence) When we've started this conversation? I mean, with interruptions... Today? Yes, yes... so, at 9, 9:10 a.m. Already 10 minutes I am trying to explain you something which isn't so clear to me either. You think that I am TOTALY INSANE and will tell you EVERYTHING what is going on in my head and then NEVER EVER will finish talking with you as you will have 6.847 questions... Why didn't we recording all of this? I can't remember all... (rolling of laugh)

Iskustva / Experiences

Ne, pitanje je zapravo, koje sam ti htio postaviti svojedobno je –zašto ti imaš takva iskustva… to meni nije, to me stvarno neki put fascinira, kužiš… kako to da ti imaš toliko tih iskustava, a tak si zajebana! Ovaj, tak siiii … to mi nije jasno… Bilo bi mi dosadno da nisam zajebana… Nevjerojatno kako ljudi steknu različite dojmove… o jednoj te istoj osobi… ja ništa ne radim! Da. Ne znam, da, nisi mi ti jasna… ti si enigma… Viš da sam postala ko ti! Ma nisi postala ko ja. Bila si takva i prije. ... Razmišljam o tome kako smo mi zapravo podložni tim utjecajima vanjskim kad negdje ideš, s nekim se družiš… i onda nakon nekog vremena ustanoviš da počneš kopirat ljude i da je tvoja energija, zapravo, kolko god da ti misliš da ti utičeš na druge ljude  zapravo, tolko i drugi ljudi utiču na tebe i na kraju si nigdje i ništa, mislim… na kraju ne znam što je to… ne znam kaj s tim da radim… tako da je, kužiš, a nikako da dođem do tih nekih iskustava.... pričam s ljudima kojima je bilo ovako ili onako... jebo te.. A ti ništa? A ja ništa.

No, the question, actually, what I intended to ask, was - why you have such experiences... this is not... sometimes this fascinates me, you know... how come you have so many such experiences, and you are so fucked up! I mean, you are sooo... I can't understand it... It will be so boring if I am not so fucked up... It is so unbelievable how can people made different conclusions... about one and single person... even I don't need to do anything! Yes. I don't know, yes, I don't understand you...  you are enigma... You see I became like you! You didn't. You were like this before. ... I am thinking about how we are actually subjected to all those outer influences when you are going somewhere, you keep friends company... and then, after a while,  you realize that you started copying people and that your energy...  actually, in spite what you think you are influencing other people and they are also influencing you and at the end you are nobody and nowhere, I think... at the end I don't know what is it... don't know what to do with it... so, you know, and I can't reach those experiences... I speak with people who experienced this and that... fuck... And you have nothing? I have nothing.

Peh / Pity

Čovječe, moram ići…  zakaj ja moram ić kad god se ti otvoriš? Ti to namjerno radiš… Da, da, ja sam gledo, ja sam meditiro, kužiš i onda sam reko…OK, sad bi ona trebala negdje ići, daj da se ja pojavim, pa da je malo zajebavam…. Pa, da, znala sam ja… ne, ozbiljno, možda bi mi to trebali obavit i riješen problem? Poslije se više nećemo čut… Pa, ajde… Razočaramo se i to je to…

Man, I have to go... why I have to go every time you open yourself to me? You do it purposely... Yes, I was looking, I meditated, you know, and I said... OK, now she should go somewhere, let me show, so I can tease her... Yes, I knew it... no, seriously, maybe we have to do it and solve the problem? Afterwards we will not even speak... Well, come on... We will be disappointed and that's it...

Strast / Passion

Ja sam zapravo jako tužan… ? ... jer mi se seksa s tobom… ? … taman sam mislio da smo otišli na viši nivo, kužiš, i onda se vratim opet dolje, ne… Pa, dobro, jesi shvatio zašto ti se to događa? Pa kaj to možeš shvatiti? Pa da. Kako? Kako to možeš SHVATITI? Ajde, reci mi molim te… Kako to možeš SHVATITI? Kaj ja znam? Jesam nešto napravila, rekla, učinila… pa ti se to hoće ili... jednostavno su dani u mjesecu kad ti se diže i to je to? Pa, ne znam, ne znam… Jel to ima veze sa mnom? Razmišljam, kužiš, da, moždaa,.. možda mi se energija spustila, kužiš… možda sam bio... jeo... Kužiš, kužiš… zato što sam, tako sam bio sretan, kužiš, kako te mogu čisto voljeti, kužiš i onda slijedeći put ti hoću napisat SMS ili mail da te volim, kužiš, i ono gledam – cijela poruka... čista požuda! Kako je to zvučalo? Ja tebe jako puno volim. Točka. Kako znaš da je iz požude? Aaa, zato što osjetiš? Znači, misliš da je strast? Aha Misliš da me voliš samo... Ma, neee. Kako može biti samo strast? Kako si smiješna. Daj me probaj slušat što pričam.. za promjenu. Ja govorim o jučer! Misliš, jučer ti se samo diglo? Da, daaa. Ne, još uvijek je, mislim, djelomično… ali, nije samo strast.

Actually, I am very sad... ? ... I would like to have sex with you... ? ... I thought we came on higher level, you know, but then I came back down,... OK, did you understand why it is happening to you? Can you understand it? Well, yes. How? How can you UNDERSTAND it? Come on, tell me... How can you UNDERSTAND it? How could I know? Have I made anything, told, done... so you want it or... there are simply those days in month when you want it and that's it? Well, I don't know, I don't know... Is it something with me? I am thinking, you know, maybe... maybe my energy lowered, you know... maybe I... ate something... You know, you know... I was so happy I can love you so pure, you know, and then, I wanted to write you SMS or mail I love you, you know, and look at that - whole message... only lust! How does it sound? I love you very much. Stop. How do you know it is lust? Aaa, you can feel it? So, you think it is a passion? Yup You think you love me only... Nope. How can it be only the passion? You are so ridiculous. Try to listen what I am telling you... for a change. I am talking about yesterday! You mean, only yesterday you wanted? Yes, yeees. No, it is still, I mean, partly... but, no, it is not only the passion.

Veza? / Connection?

Što je to: teško je 300kila, zimi grije, a ljeti visi na drvetu? Pojma nemam. Peć! Kako peć visi na drvetu? A što je tebe briga gdje ja držim peć po ljeti. --- Kakve sad to veze ima?

What is it: 300kg heavy, heats in winter, but in summer hangs on the tree? Not a clue. Stove! How can stove hang on the tree? It is not your problem where I keep stove in summer. --- And this was for...?

Obrasci / Patterns

Određene stvari koje ti kažeš uzrokuju određenu reakciju u tebi, kao recimo, jedan obrazac je da ja lažem stalno… Haa? Ja kad god pričam s tobom, lažem. Molim? Ja nikad ne pričam istinu kad pričam s tobom… Ozbiljno? Zar bih ja toliko pričala s nekim ko toliko laže? To je ono što ja stalno čujem i to je jako teško za probaviti. Jako teško. Je li to možda jedan od tvojih obrazaca? Ne, ozbiljno te pitam. Pa, pljeskao sam ti da si pogodila, čestitam… Mislim, kad ti velim ozbiljno te pitam, to znači… To znači da jesi. Da, jesi, da. Ja sam ti rekao, da kad meni netko nešto loše kaže… ja to multipliciram, onako, fino puno puta. Mislim da jako puno nas ima taj problem… Pa, čuj, to ti je osnova kršćanstva – krivnja… Zar ti ne dosadi taj osjećaj krivnje? Zašto mu se ne počneš smijati, da ga baciš od sebe… Misliš? Dokle god reagiramo, taj osjećaj krivnje neće nestati… (Tišina) Kaj? Mdaa… pa ne znam baš… nisam baš siguran ni u šta… Pa da, ako si… pa lijepo si rekao… ako si slobodan, slobodan si od svega… Ne bih rekao baš… Daj mi pojasni… Pa, kad je tako stalno nešto krivo… ja sam rekao 'ma boli me k…' Ali nije baš ispalo dobro… Pa, da, zato što emocija s kojom si to rekao nije ono što oslobađa… Pa, mislim… halo… Nije stvar u tome da veliš 'ma boli me k…', nego da doista ne reagiraš. Da napraviš najbolje što možeš i ne reagiraš na moguće reakcije oko toga da si ti nešto napravio loše ili dobro. (kasnije) Cijeli život sam treniran da će te ono što dobro napraviš, lupiti u glavu, pa to ne smiješ pustiti. Na primjer, pobijedim na natjecanju, a tata kaže 'a dobro ajde nisi izgubio ovaj put…' Ha ha ha ha I to ti je nagrada… Ha ha. A da li možeš sad tu situaciju promotriti sa njegove točke gledanja, jer ako sam ja dobro shvatila… Pa mogu, jer on me uvijek učio da ne budem… jer on me htio pohvaliti, ali da mi ne udari u glavu… on je stalno mislio… on me podržavao kad se bilo što loše dogodilo… on me podržavao, nije prigovarao… nego bi rekao… 'a dobro je, proći će…' ali, kad god sam nešto dobro napravio, to je bilo isto… i to će proći…

Certain things which you are saying are causing some reaction in you, i. e, one pattern is that I am lying all the time… What? I am lying, always, when I speak to you. Sorry? I am never saying the truth speaking with you… Really? Would I speak so much with someone who is lying so much? That is something I hear all the time and this is so heavy to digest. Very heavy. Is this, maybe, some of your patterns? No, I am seriously asking. Well, I was applauding to you. You guessed it, my congratulation… I mean, when I am saying to you I am serious, that means… That means yes, you are right. Yes, you are, yes. I have told, when someone tells me something bad… I am multiplying this, so, many, many times. I think that many of us have that problem… Well, this is base of Christianity – guilt… Aren’t you sick of that feeling of guilty? Why not to laugh to it, to throw it from yourself… You think so? Until we react, that feeling of guilty will not disappear… (Silence) What? Yesss… well I don’t know… I am not so sure in anything… Well, if you are… but you told very nice… if you are free, you are free from everything… I would not say so… Explain it to me… Well, something is always wrong… I have told ‘well, I don’t give a shit…’ But it was not so good… Well, yes, it was because that emotion you were talking with was not that one which makes you free… I think… hello… It is not the point in saying ‘I don’t give a shit…’ You have to not react. You have to make things the best you can and not to react on possible reactions about you made it bad or good. (later on) The whole my life I was trained that everything you make good will made you proud, and you can not let it be. So, I win the competition, my father say ‘ah, good, you didn’t loose this time…’ Ha ha ha ha And this is your award… Ha ha. And can you now look at this situation from his point of view, because if I understood… Well, I can. He always taught me not to be… he wanted to praise me, but not to make me proud… he always thought… he supported me when something bad happened… he supported me, he didn’t criticized… he would say… ‘it is good, it will pass away..’ but, every time I made some good thing, it was the same… that will pass away too…

Sumnja / Doubt

… Dobro. Ha ha ha Ne, ovo nije… ovo je spontano, ovo nije po napucima… Ja ne vjerujem… ništa ti ja ne vjerujem… ha ha ha, prelukava si… Ono što me sad podsjetilo… Prelukava si ti… Nisam, nisam baš toliko lukava, ja sam jako naivna. Ha ha… Ne znam. To ti misliš; ne zvučiš tako. Ne mislim to ja; to su rekli ljudi koji su me… … prevarili… … poznavali, koji su me poznavali. Dobro, s obzirom da pričamo, to je dobar znak, jel? Da li je, općenito, dobro što mi pričamo, nemam blage veze i svaki put kad ti kažeš da nije dobro da mi pričamo, kužiš, onda ja dobijem… Ja? Da, ti! Onda ja dobijem mlade.. i onda se počnem pitati možda stvarno nije dobro i, ne znam, sve što ide…

… Good. Ha ha ha No, this is not… this is spontaneous; this is not planned… I do not believe… I do not believe you anything… ha ha ha, you are too sly… That what remind me now… You are too sly… I am not, I am not so sly, I am very naive. Ha ha… I don’t know. You think so? But you don’t sound like this. It is not my opinion; so said people who… … cheated you… … knew me, who knew me. Good, since we are talking, that is good sign, isn’t it? If it is, in generally, good that we talk I don’t know. Every time when you say that is not good that we talk, you know, I get… Me? Yes, you! Than I get nervous… and I am starting to ask myself if that really is not good and, I don’t know, everything what is going on…