Tuga / Sorrow

Nema prave tuge… nema takve osjetljivosti, negativne… kad ti je srce otvoreno, doista, onda si sretan kad nekog vidiš, lijepo vam je i kad taj netko odlazi, ti prihvaćaš to isto tako, s ljubavlju. Nema razočarenja.   Jesi sigurna u to? Jesam. Dokle god postoji neka negativna emocija, koja te tjera na zatvaranje, to je projekcija. To nije istinska emocija srca. Ti možeš na trenutak osjetiti tugu zato što je netko otišao, ali čim ulaziš u tu tugu, to je vezanje i to je, najvjerojatnije, povezano s nekom projekcijom, s nečim što si prije doživio, što te natjeralo da tako reagiraš. Zato ti je problem prihvatiti što je odlazak nekoga koga si volio, u stvari, slavlje.   Daj, kak može bit slavlje? Mislim… halo? Evo, sad ću ti objasnit. Znači, ne možeš prihvatiti da je netko otišao, jer tebi je bilo super s njim. Ti si ga zavolio, bio ti je super i sad, odjednom, ti moraš slavit zato kaj je on otišao. Da, pa nema logike. Zato… ima logike. Nema logike zato što gledaš iz sebičnih razloga – ti ne možeš više s njim biti fizički… Ali, ako prestaneš gledati sebično, ako gledaš iz srca koje je istinsko, onog pravog srca, onda si sretan zato što je on otišao negdje gdje mu je bolje. Pa kako ja mogu znat da je on otišao negdje gdje mu je bolje? A onda ne vjeruješ u to! Pa, naravno da ne vjerujem! Pa onda nije ni čudo kaj ne možeš slaviti, kad ne vjeruješ. Ti si vezan za fizički razvoj događaja… Primijetila si, ha? Da. Pa neće te boljet kad ti se srce otvori… Eh, uglavnom, dok god si vezan za to fizičko, tebe će boljeti otvaranje srca, zato što te otvaranje srca tjera na neki drugi način poimanja stvari. A tebi se baš hoće bit vezan! Malo pojasni to… Pa, to ti znači 'ne da mi se mijenjat. Lijen sam.' …

There is no real sorrow… there is no such sensitiveness, negative… when your heart is really open, than you are happy whenever you see somebody; it is nice when you are together, and, when that person is leaving, you are accepting this with love. There is no disappointment. Are you sure? Yes. If there is some negative emotion, which is pushing you to close yourself, this is a projection. This is not the real emotion of the heart. You can feel in one moment the sorrow because somebody has gone, but if you are going into that sorrow, that is an attachment. And this is, probably, connected with some projection, with something what you experienced before, which pushed you to react like that. That is why you have problem accepting that when somebody whom you love is going, while you should actually be celebrating. Come on! How can this be a celebration? I mean… hello? Here, let me explain it. You can not accept that somebody is gone, because you had very good time together. You loved him, he was great and now, suddenly, you have to celebrate that he has gone. Yes, there is no logic. That is because… there is logic. There is no logic if you are thinking about selfish reasons – you can not be with him physically… But, if you stop with selfishness, if you are looking at that from the point of your heart, true heart, than you are happy because he has gone where is better for him. How can I know that he has gone where is better? Well, than you don’t believe in this! Of course, I don’t! Than there is no wonder that you can not celebrate, if you don’t believe. You are attached for physically actions… You’ve noticed, ha? Yes. Well, it will not hurt, when your heart opens… Eh, well, until you are attached with this physical existence, opening of your heart will hurt, because the opening of the heart is pushing you into some other way of looking on the things. And you just want to be attached! Explain me that… Well, it means ‘I don’t want to change myself. I am lazy.’ …

Feminizam / Feminism

Ti… Ti… FEMINISTICO jedna!!! :P Ooooo??? Kaj je sad to? Jesi, jesi!! Znaš, imaš elemenata… Zašto si to rekao na tako pogrdan način? Slažeš li se s općeprihvaćenim (zadrtim) mišljenjem da je pretučena žena ta koja je glupa jer je mislila da će se muškarac promijeniti? Ili je ipak muškarac koji tuče ženu onaj koji to ne bi smio činiti i kojeg bi trebalo kazniti? Slažeš li se da pijanu ženu njezin muž treba istući? Ili možda ne postoji dovoljno dobar razlog da se nekoga (pogotovo fizički slabijeg) pretuče? Misliš li da silovanu ženu treba pitati što je to učinila da izazove 30kg težeg muškarca da je siluje ili bi ipak trebalo pozvati njega na red? Da li bi ti svom djetetu koje se požalilo da ga je netko stariji pipkao rekao da više ne želiš čuti o tome ili bi pitao starijeg za junačko zdravlje? Ako me ta pitanja čine feministicom onda to jesam. A tvoji odgovori? Kakvog čovjeka oni čine od tebe?

You… You… The FEMINIST one!!! :P Ooooo??? From where this came? You are, you are!! You know, you have some elements… Why did you tell me this in such insulting way? Do you agree with general (bigoted) opinion that beaten woman is the stupid one because she thought the man will change himself? Or, maybe, the man who beats the woman is that one who is not supposed to do it and who has to be punished? Do you agree that drunken woman has to be beaten of her husband? Or, maybe, there is no good reason enough to beat up someone (especially physically weaker person)? Do you think you should ask raped woman what she made to challenge man, 30kg heavier than her, to rape her or, maybe, you should ask him for right to do it? Would you tell your child, who told you that someone older touched him, that you don’t want to listen about this or, maybe, you would ask that older one for his heroically health? If all those questions make me feminist, than I am the one. And your answers? What kind of man they make of you?

Blokiranje / Blocking

Hoću ti reći – prestani bježati od promjena sebe… Pa,da,da… to je lakše reći nego napraviti. Eh, to je to. Joooj Da, ali, da bi mogao prestati bježati od toga, trebaš vidjeti kako bježiš, čime bježiš, kroz što bježiš… Kokice… I onda kad to shvatiš, kad prepoznaš – aha, to je ta situacija, koja mi je bijeg, onda to ne raditi… Ne, moraš imati neku zamjenu. Ne možeš samo ne bježati od nečega; moraš nekako to provariti. Nije problem u bježanju; problem je u probavljanju nekih stvari... Kad si ti onaj dan počela pričati meni o svojim osjećajima… nije stvar u tome da sam htio bježati. Ja to nisam mogao provariti. Ja sam morao satima gledati filmove, da bih uopće mogao disati nakon toga, a kamoli da bilo što drugo napravim.. Tako da nije problem u tome da ja ne bih htio ne napraviti to, nego jednostavno nemam nikakav drugi… jednostavno se zblesiraš… Jednostavno nemaš… ne funkcioniraš više, ne egzistiraš kao osoba više. Ja sam dovoljno daleko došao, da kažem – ok, pusti ovo, pusti ono, pusti, pusti, pusti… i da mogu sad, danas, pričati s tobom, inače bi pričali… za jedno 4 godine, možda. Znači nije mi problem u ovome, da ja shvatim na koji način bježim, nego što napraviti kad vidim da bježim, kako provariti stvari zbog kojih bježim. Da li razumiješ ono što ti pokušavam reći? Da. (Tišina) A mogu te pitati? Možeš. Jel znaš ŠTO ne možeš provariti?   Pa, kako kada. Pa to je problem.. Pa, u konkretnom primjeru… Pa u konkretnom primjeru ne mogu provariti sve ono što svijet nameće kao ideal morala i onda ja to stavim sebi kao ideal morala i što... Ne znam, ne mogu definirati. Nisam siguran. Možeš mi malo pojasnit- kakav ideal morala? Znači, imaš nešto što svijet smatra da je moral – što kako, kamo, zašto smiješ ili ne (makar to nema nikakve veze s ničim) i uvijek netko nešto očekuje od tebe i tako i ti očekuješ nešto od drugih i od sebe. I onda… onda se jednostavno zblesiraš, ne možeš više ništa, ne egzistiraš više, ne postojiš. To je nešto što je, u principu, nasilno. Mmm, malo sam pogubila… ja sam nešto rekla, što je u tebi izazvalo reakciju… Ti si rekla, da, kako si se ti osjećala… ja ti samo kažem što je to u meni izazvalo. I kad sam ti pokušao objasniti, ti si samo navalila još više i umjesto da shvatim što mi pokušavaš reći, ja sam ušao u blokadu… i jednostavno je došlo do kuršlusa i to je to, ništa više… jesi uopće shvatila o čemu pričam? Ja bih malo, još nešto… Probaj… Dakle, ja sam tebi htjela reći kako sam se ja osjećala… Tako je. Ne zato da te okrivim… Znam, to ti je… Rezultat je bio… Da si me okrivila… Da si se ti osjećao krivim… Rezultat je bio to da sam ja osjećao da ti mene okrivljavaš i ne samo što sam ja napravio, nego što su svi ljudi oko mene napravili… da sam ja kriv za sve to. OK? Znači, to je bio REZULTAT! Da, to je bio rezultat onoga što si ti počela pričati, zato što ja imam manu da potenciram stvari. Pogotovo ako su negativne. I? I ništa! Očigledno znam da to ne štima i da to nije moje, ali navike su navike… S obzirom da pričamo, onda znači da sam se uspio istrgnuti navikama, ali nije lagano. Više ništa. Dobro, s obzirom da pričamo, to je dobar znak, jel? Da. Mislim, dobar znak u tome da sam ja napravio određene korake naprijed, a ne nazad, to jest, nisam se vratio u određene obrasce ponašanja kojima sam se bavio do sad. To je dobar znak. Jel' to razlog što mi nismo pričali, ne znam koliko. Dvije-tri godine? Ne. Ti tvoji obrasci? Pa, ne znam. Otkud ja znam? Mislim, sad si ti optimista živi… kao da sam ja sad sve shvatio što radim. Kako da ne. Ha ha. Genijalno. Stvarno imaš visoko mišljenje o meni ako misliš da sam ja TOL'KO napredovao… vau A reci mi što ja mogu učiniti ili što bih trebala ja učiniti? Da li bih ja trebala prestati pričati o stvarima koje u tebi izazivaju te obrasce ponašanja ili ne?  Pa, čuj, mislim, poanta, nakon ovoliko godina razgovaranja da bi možda eventualno ponekad bilo lijepo da i razumiješ o čemu pričam…

I wanted to tell you – stop running away from changing yourself… Well, yes, yes… it’is easier said than done. Eh, that is that. Joooj Yes, but, to stop running away from changes, you have to see why do and how you run, what are you running from, using what excuses… Popcorns… And than, when you realize, when you recognize it – aha, this is the situation, through which I am trying to escape, than, don’t do it… No, you must have some substitute. You can not just stop running away from something; you must digest it somehow. It is not problem in running away; the problem is in digesting of some things… That day, when you start telling me about your feelings… it is not that I wanted running away. I couldn’t digest it. I had to watch films for hours, so I could even breath after that, and not to do anything else… So, the problem is not to do or not to do…; I just have no other way… you just get paralyzed… you just don’t have… you stop functioning; you are not existing as a person at all. I came far enough to say – OK, let this go, let that go, let it go, let it go, let it go… and to be able now, today, speak with you; otherwise we would speak… in four years, and that maybe. So, it is not problem in the running away, but to realize in which way I am running away. Than, what to do when I see I am running away; how to digest those things I am running away from. Did you understand what I am trying to tell? Yes. (Silence) And, can I ask something? Yes. Do you know WHAT you can not digest? Well, it depends. And this is the problem… Hm, and in this example… In this case I could not digest thing which world imposes as ideal of morality and afterwards I accept it as ideal of morality and than… I don’t know; I can not define. I am not sure. Can you explain it, a little bit – what kind of ideal of morality? So, you have something that the people in the world accepts as morality standards – what, how, where, why you are allowed to do or not (although it is not in connection with anything) and always someone is expecting something from you and you are expecting something from others and from yourself. And than… than you just get paralyzed; you can not do anything; you don’t exist anymore. This is something which is, in essence, violent. Mmm, I got lost little bit… I have said something, which caused in you certain reaction… Yes, you have said how you felt… I am just explaining to you what caused it in me. And when I was trying to explain it to you, you just pushed more and, instead of figuring out what are you trying to tell me, I blocked… and, simply, short circuited and that’s all, nothing else… do you understand what I am talking about, at all? I would like something more… Try… So, I wanted to tell you how I felt… Yes, that’s right. Not to blame you… I know; that was… The result was… That you had blamed me… That you felt guilty… The result was that I felt you blamed me not only for what I did, but also for what everyone else around me did to you… that I am guilty for everything. OK? So, that was the RESULT! So, that was the consequence of things you talked about, especially as I am multiplying negative things. And? And nothing! Obviously I know that is not good and that it isn’t mine, but habits are habits… Since we are speaking, it means I have succeeded in breaking off habits, but it is not easy. That’s all I wanted to say. Good, since we are talking it’s good sign, isn’t it? Yes. I mean, it is good sign that I made some steps forward, not backwards, or, that, at least, I didn’t come back in some patterns which I used till now. That is good sign. Is this the reason why we didn’t speak for, I don’t know how long? Two-three years? No. Those yours patterns? Well, I don’t know. How could I know? I mean, you are so optimistic… as if I understood everything I do. Right. Ha ha. Ingenious. You really have high opinion of me if you think I have SO MUCH progressed… Wow But tell me what can I do or what should I do? Should I stop talking about those things which are provoking those patterns in you or not? Well, I think, the main thing is, after all those years of speaking, it will be very nice to understand what I am talking about…

Gorčina / Bitterness

Daj se prestani ljutit na sebe, daj molim te… znaš što, kad god pričaš o tome, tolika količina gorčine izlazi iz tebe da je ono… možeš sa žlicom jesti i nožem rezati… tolika gorčina… al' ono, katastrofa! Al ja obožavam to razdoblje… Pa da, ali je u tebi tolika gorčina! Toliko sam dobila… Mislim, ono, znam sve si ti to lijepo… Pa gorčina izlazi zato što sam svjesna svojih grešaka! Pa da, mislim, ali ti to tako, ono… lijepo upakiraš, ali, kužiš… mislim, ono, da je to ono što ti pričaš… da je to onako kao što si ti sad rekla, da je to najbolje vrijeme tvog života… Ne znam, draga moja, ali stvarno, molim te, prestani s tom gorčinom, ali stvarno, ako možeš, nekako, na bilo koji način… Kaj da prestanem? Prestani mrziti to što se tamo dogodilo. Prestani biti ogorčena na sve živo što se tamo dogodilo. Ali, srećo, ja sam ogorčena na sve živo, ne vezano samo uz to tamo… Znam, na cijeli svijet si ogorčena, znam, mislim… Nevezano uz to… Čak i nevezano uz to, ali to tamo, je onako, specijalno…posebno… ha ha ha Ne, nego si ti za to posebno vezan, emotivno. A možda sam ja posebno vezan, ali , mislim, ono sve što sam ti rekao ti stoji, kako god hoćeš ti to izmuljati sebi ili okrenuti, na žalost i dalje… Al to ti je, kužiš… da ja tebi velim, daj ti prestani, ne znam, što smo ono počeli pričat… prestani bit zatvoren… Pa da, ali barem sam ti rekao, jel' to OK? Barem sam ti rekao. Pa, dobro, OK kaj si mi rekao. U čemu je problem? Ne moraš se braniti… Ja znam da sam ogorčena. Pa kaj ti misliš da ja sebi već 500x nisam rekla da hoću više da ta gorčina izađe? Ajde, fala bogu,ajde. Može. Ajde dalje. A? Možemo dalje… Ti si se sad zakačio za moju gorčinu, a nisi čuo ono bitno. Pa nisam mogao. Nisam mogao zato što ta gorčina je, kužiš, pokrila sve ostalo, kužiš, i izazvala određenu reakciju u mom srcu, odnosno u meni… A zašto? Zato što, ne znam, želudac mi se diže… a sad zašto se to diže, to je drugi par rukavica, al onda nećemo završit ovo što smo počeli… Zato što si emotivno vezan za nešto… Ma što god, nije bitno, u ovom trenutku. Dobro, što hoćeš da završimo? Ovo što smo rekli maloprije, ono pitanje prije toga… Hoću ti reći – prestani bježati od promjena sebe…

Please, stop to be angry with yourself… You know, every time you speak about it, so much bitterness is going out that is… you can eat it with the spoon and cut it with the knife… so much bitterness… I mean, catastrophe! But, I adore that time… Yes, but there is so much bitterness in you! I have got so much… I mean, come on, I know you have all this… Well, that bitterness is going out because I am aware of my mistakes! Yes, I think, but you do it so… you wrap it up very nice, but, you know… I mean, if that was what you talk about… if that was like you told now, that was the best time of your life… I don’t know, my dear… but really, please, stop with this bitterness, but really, if you can, somehow, in any way… What to stop? Stop to hate that what happened there. Stop to be bitter about everything what happened there. But, honey, I am bitter with everything, not only with that… I know, you are bitter with the whole world, I know, I think… Not only with this… Not only with this, but this there is, somehow, special… different… ha ha ha No, you are specially attached, emotionally. And maybe I am specially attached, but, I mean, what I said is correct. It doesn’t matter how you want to present it or turn it upside-down… But this is, you know… let mi tell you, stop, I don’t know, what we started… stop to be so introverted… Well, yes, but at least I told you. Is this OK? I told you, at least. Well, good, OK you told me. What is the problem? You do not need to defend youself… I know I am bitter. Do you think I didn’t say to myself 500 times I want that bitterness disappeared? Thank God… Deal. Let’s go. A? We can continue… You stacked with my bitterness, and didn’t hear the main thing. I couldn’t. I couldn’t because that bitterness covered everything else, you know, and caused some reaction in my heart, I mean in me… And why? Because, I don’t know, there is feeling of sickness in my stomach… why is so, that is another thing, but we will not finished what we started… Because you are emotionally attached… Whatever, it doesn’t matter in this moment. Good, what you want to finish? That what we said before, that question before… I wanted to tell you – stop running away from changing yourself…