Blokiranje / Blocking

Hoću ti reći – prestani bježati od promjena sebe… Pa,da,da… to je lakše reći nego napraviti. Eh, to je to. Joooj Da, ali, da bi mogao prestati bježati od toga, trebaš vidjeti kako bježiš, čime bježiš, kroz što bježiš… Kokice… I onda kad to shvatiš, kad prepoznaš – aha, to je ta situacija, koja mi je bijeg, onda to ne raditi… Ne, moraš imati neku zamjenu. Ne možeš samo ne bježati od nečega; moraš nekako to provariti. Nije problem u bježanju; problem je u probavljanju nekih stvari... Kad si ti onaj dan počela pričati meni o svojim osjećajima… nije stvar u tome da sam htio bježati. Ja to nisam mogao provariti. Ja sam morao satima gledati filmove, da bih uopće mogao disati nakon toga, a kamoli da bilo što drugo napravim.. Tako da nije problem u tome da ja ne bih htio ne napraviti to, nego jednostavno nemam nikakav drugi… jednostavno se zblesiraš… Jednostavno nemaš… ne funkcioniraš više, ne egzistiraš kao osoba više. Ja sam dovoljno daleko došao, da kažem – ok, pusti ovo, pusti ono, pusti, pusti, pusti… i da mogu sad, danas, pričati s tobom, inače bi pričali… za jedno 4 godine, možda. Znači nije mi problem u ovome, da ja shvatim na koji način bježim, nego što napraviti kad vidim da bježim, kako provariti stvari zbog kojih bježim. Da li razumiješ ono što ti pokušavam reći? Da. (Tišina) A mogu te pitati? Možeš. Jel znaš ŠTO ne možeš provariti?   Pa, kako kada. Pa to je problem.. Pa, u konkretnom primjeru… Pa u konkretnom primjeru ne mogu provariti sve ono što svijet nameće kao ideal morala i onda ja to stavim sebi kao ideal morala i što... Ne znam, ne mogu definirati. Nisam siguran. Možeš mi malo pojasnit- kakav ideal morala? Znači, imaš nešto što svijet smatra da je moral – što kako, kamo, zašto smiješ ili ne (makar to nema nikakve veze s ničim) i uvijek netko nešto očekuje od tebe i tako i ti očekuješ nešto od drugih i od sebe. I onda… onda se jednostavno zblesiraš, ne možeš više ništa, ne egzistiraš više, ne postojiš. To je nešto što je, u principu, nasilno. Mmm, malo sam pogubila… ja sam nešto rekla, što je u tebi izazvalo reakciju… Ti si rekla, da, kako si se ti osjećala… ja ti samo kažem što je to u meni izazvalo. I kad sam ti pokušao objasniti, ti si samo navalila još više i umjesto da shvatim što mi pokušavaš reći, ja sam ušao u blokadu… i jednostavno je došlo do kuršlusa i to je to, ništa više… jesi uopće shvatila o čemu pričam? Ja bih malo, još nešto… Probaj… Dakle, ja sam tebi htjela reći kako sam se ja osjećala… Tako je. Ne zato da te okrivim… Znam, to ti je… Rezultat je bio… Da si me okrivila… Da si se ti osjećao krivim… Rezultat je bio to da sam ja osjećao da ti mene okrivljavaš i ne samo što sam ja napravio, nego što su svi ljudi oko mene napravili… da sam ja kriv za sve to. OK? Znači, to je bio REZULTAT! Da, to je bio rezultat onoga što si ti počela pričati, zato što ja imam manu da potenciram stvari. Pogotovo ako su negativne. I? I ništa! Očigledno znam da to ne štima i da to nije moje, ali navike su navike… S obzirom da pričamo, onda znači da sam se uspio istrgnuti navikama, ali nije lagano. Više ništa. Dobro, s obzirom da pričamo, to je dobar znak, jel? Da. Mislim, dobar znak u tome da sam ja napravio određene korake naprijed, a ne nazad, to jest, nisam se vratio u određene obrasce ponašanja kojima sam se bavio do sad. To je dobar znak. Jel' to razlog što mi nismo pričali, ne znam koliko. Dvije-tri godine? Ne. Ti tvoji obrasci? Pa, ne znam. Otkud ja znam? Mislim, sad si ti optimista živi… kao da sam ja sad sve shvatio što radim. Kako da ne. Ha ha. Genijalno. Stvarno imaš visoko mišljenje o meni ako misliš da sam ja TOL'KO napredovao… vau A reci mi što ja mogu učiniti ili što bih trebala ja učiniti? Da li bih ja trebala prestati pričati o stvarima koje u tebi izazivaju te obrasce ponašanja ili ne?  Pa, čuj, mislim, poanta, nakon ovoliko godina razgovaranja da bi možda eventualno ponekad bilo lijepo da i razumiješ o čemu pričam…

I wanted to tell you – stop running away from changing yourself… Well, yes, yes… it’is easier said than done. Eh, that is that. Joooj Yes, but, to stop running away from changes, you have to see why do and how you run, what are you running from, using what excuses… Popcorns… And than, when you realize, when you recognize it – aha, this is the situation, through which I am trying to escape, than, don’t do it… No, you must have some substitute. You can not just stop running away from something; you must digest it somehow. It is not problem in running away; the problem is in digesting of some things… That day, when you start telling me about your feelings… it is not that I wanted running away. I couldn’t digest it. I had to watch films for hours, so I could even breath after that, and not to do anything else… So, the problem is not to do or not to do…; I just have no other way… you just get paralyzed… you just don’t have… you stop functioning; you are not existing as a person at all. I came far enough to say – OK, let this go, let that go, let it go, let it go, let it go… and to be able now, today, speak with you; otherwise we would speak… in four years, and that maybe. So, it is not problem in the running away, but to realize in which way I am running away. Than, what to do when I see I am running away; how to digest those things I am running away from. Did you understand what I am trying to tell? Yes. (Silence) And, can I ask something? Yes. Do you know WHAT you can not digest? Well, it depends. And this is the problem… Hm, and in this example… In this case I could not digest thing which world imposes as ideal of morality and afterwards I accept it as ideal of morality and than… I don’t know; I can not define. I am not sure. Can you explain it, a little bit – what kind of ideal of morality? So, you have something that the people in the world accepts as morality standards – what, how, where, why you are allowed to do or not (although it is not in connection with anything) and always someone is expecting something from you and you are expecting something from others and from yourself. And than… than you just get paralyzed; you can not do anything; you don’t exist anymore. This is something which is, in essence, violent. Mmm, I got lost little bit… I have said something, which caused in you certain reaction… Yes, you have said how you felt… I am just explaining to you what caused it in me. And when I was trying to explain it to you, you just pushed more and, instead of figuring out what are you trying to tell me, I blocked… and, simply, short circuited and that’s all, nothing else… do you understand what I am talking about, at all? I would like something more… Try… So, I wanted to tell you how I felt… Yes, that’s right. Not to blame you… I know; that was… The result was… That you had blamed me… That you felt guilty… The result was that I felt you blamed me not only for what I did, but also for what everyone else around me did to you… that I am guilty for everything. OK? So, that was the RESULT! So, that was the consequence of things you talked about, especially as I am multiplying negative things. And? And nothing! Obviously I know that is not good and that it isn’t mine, but habits are habits… Since we are speaking, it means I have succeeded in breaking off habits, but it is not easy. That’s all I wanted to say. Good, since we are talking it’s good sign, isn’t it? Yes. I mean, it is good sign that I made some steps forward, not backwards, or, that, at least, I didn’t come back in some patterns which I used till now. That is good sign. Is this the reason why we didn’t speak for, I don’t know how long? Two-three years? No. Those yours patterns? Well, I don’t know. How could I know? I mean, you are so optimistic… as if I understood everything I do. Right. Ha ha. Ingenious. You really have high opinion of me if you think I have SO MUCH progressed… Wow But tell me what can I do or what should I do? Should I stop talking about those things which are provoking those patterns in you or not? Well, I think, the main thing is, after all those years of speaking, it will be very nice to understand what I am talking about…