Obiteljsko pravo i zlostavljanje, mržnja i ljubav / Family law and abuse, hatred and love

Prije nekoliko godina pitala sam prijateljicu, sutkinju, o fizičkim zlostavljanjima u braku i tada je, ljutita na šutnju žrtava, komentirala da bi zatvorila žene koje šute godinama, dopuštajući svoje i zlostavljanje djece u braku. Nedavno sam je pitala za savjet kada žena nije šutjela i otišla je od supruga, a sada joj sud, na temelju neprimjereno proučenog slučaja kod socijalne službe i izjave istih da je djetetu bolje kod oca, oduzima skrbništvo nad djetetom. Šutjela je. Naime, otac djeteta, je prvo počinio višekratni preljub (i još to čini), a zatim i nasrnuo fizički na majku, više puta, o čemu postoje i liječnički izvještaj i sudske presude u njezinu korist. Socijalna služba potpuno je zanemarila sve to i samo na osnovu njegove izjave da je majka nepouzdana jer je nezaposlena i nema stalno boravište (otkad je pobjegla od zlostavljanja), zaključili su da je djetetu bolje s ocem... On je iz bogate obitelji, a ona je 'slobodni umjetnik', jer se on potrudio da ostane bez posla kad je otišla. Svejedno, ta žena i dalje se bori, brine o sebi i djetetu i ništa im ne nedostaje... osim pravne zaštite. Ona je samostalna i snalažljiva, inteligentna i školovana... i prijeti joj gubitak skrbništva i dodjela skrbništva nasilnom i preljubničkom, ali bogatom, utjecajnom ocu. Kako se onda itko može čuditi što druge žene, koje su u još nepovoljnijem položaju, šute? Imala sam priliku upoznati i jednog oca koji se borio nad skrbništvom... Kad čovjek sluša i čita njegove izjave, rekao bi – sasvim je u pravu, divan čovjek, a zakinut... Ali, ja sam ga upoznala kroz posao - znam koliko je površan i koliko je nasilan kad mu se ukaže na greške... Ne znam koji su razlozi bili kod njega za razvod, ali lakše mi je nakon poslovnog iskustva s njim suosjećati s njom. I dolazim do druge, ali ne i nepovezane teme... položaj žena u patrijarhalnom društvu. Moja iskustva, kao i iskustva žena s kojima sam pričala, dolazila u dodir... na žalost, poražavajuća su. Ne, nisam feministica, iako me tako neki zovu kad otvorim usta... Neki su mi govorili da sam potpuno u pravu, ali da naše društvo nije (još) spremno za te izjave... Danas uglavnom šutim... ne zato što sam doista ušutkana, već zato što se ne isplati trošiti energiju na takav način. Slučaj s početka me ponukao da ipak nešto kažem. Možda će netko barem malo zastati i zapitati se – otkuda takva mržnja? Mržnja prema ženama od strane muškaraca. Mržnja prema ženama od strane žena. Mržnja prema muškarcima od strane žena. Govorim o neosnovanoj mržnji... iako, svaka je mržnja, zapravo neosnovana... čak i kad postoji 'fizički razlog' da se nekoga mrzi, još uvijek je prava pobjeda ljubiti... što ne znači i ostati 'na dohvat ruke'...

Few years ago I asked my friend, a judge and a woman, about physical abuse in the marriage. Her comment was, a very angry one, that she would arrest all women who were silent for years, letting them and their children being abused. Few days ago, I asked her for an advice, for one woman who decide not to be silent any more, and left her husband. Now the court is taking away custody over the child and giving it to the husband. The descision was made after a weak and improper social services investigation which stated  that it is better for a child to be with the father. She did not say a word. Namely, the father of the child, committed adultery (and still does it), and also physically attacked her, more than once. There are medical reports, also the court verdict in her sake. Social service completely ignored all of that and just in the name of his statement that mother is unreliable due to her unemployment and she has no residence (since she run away not to be abused any more), they concluded that is better for child to be with the father… As he is from a very rich family, and she is just a ‘freelancer’, he made shure she lost her job get, after she left him. However, that woman does not give up, she takes care of both of them and nothing is missing… except legal protection. She is independent and adaptive, intelligent and educated… and she is facing a loss of custody which would be awarder to the aggressive and cheating, but rich and influental father. Why do then people wonder why women, who are even in more inauspicious position, are keeping silent? I had an opportunity to meet one father who fought for custody… When you listen and read his statements, you would say – he is completely right, wonderfull man, and so in unfavorable position… But, I met him on the work – I know how flimsy he is, and how agressive he is when you point out his mistakes… I do not know what were the reasons for divorce, but for me is more suitable to sympathize his ex wife. And I come to other, but not unconnected subject… position of women in patriarch society. My experiences, as well as experiences of women with whom I talked, and came in touch… are, unfortunately, completely negative. No, I am not the feminist, although some address me so, when I speak… Some people told me that I am completely right, but our society is not ready (yet) to hear such statements… Today, I am quiet, mostly… not because I am realy shut up, but because it is realy useless to spend energy in such a way. But, the above case moved me to tell something. Maybe someone will stop for a while and ask themselves – from where such hatred comes? Hatred towards women by men. Hatred towards women, by women. Hatred towards men, by women. I speak about baseless hatred… although, every hatred is, actually, baseless… even there is ‘phsyical’ (or psychic) reason for hatred, still the real victory is to love… not means to stay ‘within reach of the hand’…

Dan planeta Zemlja / Earth Day

Voliš li me? Ne, ne želim prazne riječi... pokaži mi...

Do you love me? No, I do not want empty words… show me

3 min 54 sec

Sebičnost / Selfishness

Znaš, ponekad razmišljam kako je doista definirati... Neki dan sam se sjetila nekih druženja i pomislila zašto, zapravo, nisu uspjela... I pomislih da je zbog sebičnosti, kao rezultat granica, neujednačenih. Znaš, već, svatko od nas ima svoje granice... trebamo naučiti poštovati – sebe i svoje granice, ali i druge i njihove granice. Onog trena kad mislimo samo o svojim granicama i zanemarujemo tuđe, javlja se sebičnost. Onog trena kad svojevoljno prelazimo svoje granice, poštujući tuđe, rađa se Ljubav... Čije granice želiš ti prelaziti?

You know, sometimes, I think about how to really define it… One day I remembered some of my relationships and thought about why they did not work… And, I thought it was because of selfishness, as result of boundaries, unevenness. As You know everyone has its own boundaries… we have to learn to respect them – ourselves and our boundaries, but also others and their boundaries. That moment when we think just of our own boundaries and neglect other people’s boundaries, selfishness apears. The moment we cross, by our own choice, our boundaries, but with respect towards the boundaries of others, Love is growing… Whose boundaries would you like to cross?

Razumijevanje? / Understanding?

ONA: Lijep je dan i plavo je nebo! ON:  I sunce sija i toplo je! ONA: Nista me nisi shvatio! Rekla sam ti da je nebo na drugoj strani planete i da je tamo polumjesec! ON: ???? ONA: :PPPP Kažu da postoji muški i ženski mozak. I što se onda čudiš???

SHE: The day is beautifull and the sky is blue! HE: And sun is shining and it is warm! SHE: You did not understand anything! I said that sky is on the other side of the planet and there is crescent! HE: ???? SHE: :PPPP It is said there is male and female brain. So, what is strange???

Opraštanje / Forgiveness

Opraštanje je dubok izdah, nakon kojeg slijedi opuštanje, oslobađanje. Očekivala sam „žao mi je“, a ne „oprosti za…“ nešto što si znao da ćeš učiniti. Samo „žao mi je“. A ne nestanak bez riječi. Griješimo. Očekujemo. Povređujemo. Kad ću oprostiti? Kako oprostiti? Kad osjećam se nedorečeno. Kad sam ponovno prekinuta u pola koraka, a druge strane nema da dovršim svoj korak. Moram sama. Ako ne može biti dorečeno u dvoje, moram doreći sama. Prihvatiti nedorečeno... razumjeti... Prihvatiti i pustiti. Možda i nije do mene. Ako mogu razumjeti i pustiti... možda doista i nije do mene. Ne mogu biti kriva za tuđe nerazumijevanje i neprihvaćanje. Učinila si sve što si mogla, rekla je. Učinila sam sve što sam mogla... Opraštam sebi. I tebi. I dišem ponovno. Duboko.

Forgivness is deep exhalation, after which comes relaxing, release. I expected “I am sorry”, not “Sorry for…” something you knew you will do. Just “sorry”. Not disappearance, without words. We make mistakes. We expect. We hurt others. When will I forgive? How to forgive? When I feel understated, unfinished. When I have been interrupted, again, in a half step, and there is no other side to finishing my step. I have to do for myself. If it cannot be said in two, I have to say it alone. To accept untold… to understand… To accept and let it go. Maybe it is not my fault. If I can understand and let it go… maybe it is not my fault, at all. I cannot be guilty for misunderstanding of others and unacceptance. You have done what you could, she told. I have done what I could. I forgive myself. I forgive you. And I breath again. Fully.

Osveta / Revenge

Pišem i plačem. Plačem pišući o tebi. A ne mogu ništa reći… da ne bih… da ne bih… da ostanem stajati, bez obzira… da ostanem stajati… da se ne slomim… da se ne slomim… da se ne… Ne prestajem plakati. Doista, ne znam što s tim. Dio mene nema veze s tim. Ali, nešto nedostaje. Nešto nedostaje. Nije u redu. Nije u redu da prođe bez kazne, čineći i dalje ono što čini. O, da, želim da ga snađe Ruka Pravde… Iako, vjerujem da je i mene snašla… i mene je... Imam li uopće pravo na to? Imam li? Probudih se u gluho doba noći u čudu. Bolovi me natjeraše da odvrtim film. I osjetih osvetu. I zapitah se 'Dolazi li to od mene?' Oh, ne želim negativnost iz sebe, ali niti u sebe. I, shvatih da su sve samo projekcije naših iskustava i očekivanja, i da im ne treba pridavati toliko pažnje. Primijetiti i odbaciti. Biti u središtu. I dobila sam priliku... proći sve... malo drugačije, ali isto. I ponovno sam plakala, ovaj put nad njim. Nad njim koji ne zna, ne vidi to. Ja barem znam, barem vidim... I nisam znala kome je gore, na trenutak... nisam znala... samo na trenutak. Vidjela sam krug u kojem se vrtimo... i nije bilo jasno tko počinje, a tko nastavlja... u krugu... bez kraja i bez početka... I znala sam... moram stati... Ali, kako? I sjetih se Plesa s Tobom... Hvala.

I write and I cry. I am crying writing about you. And I cannot tell anything… not to… not to… to remain standing, no metter what… to remain standing… not to brake… not to breake… not to… I cannot stop crying. Really, I do not know what to do with it. One part of me has nothing to do with it. But something is missing. Something is missing. It is not OK. It is not OK to let it go, without punishment, let him do the same things again. Oh, yes, I want ‘The Hand of Justice’ to reach him… Although, I believe it also reached me… me too… Do I have the rights for that? Do I? I woke up in the middle of the night wondering. Pain made me ‘see the movie of my life’. And I felt revenge. And I asked myself ‘Does it come from me?’ Oh, I do not want negativity neither from myself, neither in myself. And I realized that all was just projection of our experiences and expectations, and it should not require so much attention of us. Notice and reject it. Be in the middle. And I got the chance… to pass through everything… a bit different, but all the same. And, again, I have cried, this time for him. For him who does not know, who cannot see. At least, I know now, I can see it… And, for a moment, I did not know to whome is worse… I did not know… just for the moment. I saw the circle in which we are spinning… and it was not so clear who starts, and who continues… in that circle… without end and without beginning… And I knew… I have to stop… But, how? And then I rememberd the Dance with You… Thank You.

Na ovaj ili na onaj način? / This way, or another?

I dok ležim, zbunjena, razmišljam o 'nama'. Čitavu priču mogu gledati barem na dva načina. 'A' način: On je 'pas lutalica' koji čezne za ljubavlju, za toplinom, za domom. U njemu sam ugledala onu Iskru koju nisam mogla pustiti da se sakrije pod teretom tuge njegove. I kad sam pristala pogaziti sve svoje strahove i druge želje i biti s njim, on se povukao, uplašen da će ostati sam. Ili, 'B' način: on je običan iskompleksirani muškić kojemu je bilo bitno pokazati da može raditi što hoće. Znao je da će me povrijediti i to ga nije ometalo. Bez skrupula. Za moje je duševno stanje, naizgled, bolje da sam Ivana Orleanska ('A' način). Jest da me jedan moj dio uvjerava da je on Don Huan ('B' način), jer je naizgled lakše biti oklopljen oklopom mržnje, nego se otvoriti i biti povrijeđen. Ali samo naizgled. Moja je priroda Ljubav i svaki ubod nasilja i mržnje me ranjava do boli, do smrti. Ne mogu umirati od tih uboda. Radije ću izgorjeti u vatri Ljubavi. Sretna što sam ponovno slobodna, ipak je najbolji način (C :)))

Lying on the bed, confused, I am thinking about ‘us’. At the whole story I can look in two ways, at least. ‘A’ way:  He is a ‘street dog’ craving for love, warmness, home. In him I saw that Spark I couldn’t let go hiding under his sorrow. And when I accepted to wade all of my fears and other whishes, and be with him, he gave up, frightened that he will stay alone.    Or, ‘B’ way: he is an ordinary boy, full of complexes, who wanted to show only that he can whatever he wants. He knew he will hurt me and he did it consciously. Regardless. For my sake, seemingly, it is better to be Joan of Ark (the ‘A’ way). OK, one of my voices insists that he is just Don Juan (the ‘B’ way), because, seemingly, it is easier to be armored with the hatred, than open myself and be affected. But, only seemingly. My real nature is Love and every act of violence and hatred painfully wounds me, to the death. I do not want perish because of that. Rather I would burn in the fire of Love. Happy for being free, again, is the best way, anyway (C :)))

Vječna sumnja / Eternal doubt

Jesi li znao, Dragi moj, što se dogodilo? Kada? Prošle godine??? Ne, Dragi moj. Prije nekoliko godina. I prije toga, i još prije toga. I prije puno godina. Jesi li znao to? Jesi li? I je li to uopće važno? Je li to nešto važno? Je li? Jesi li znao, Dragi moj, za manipulaciju? Jesi li znao za ucjene? Jesi li? Jesi li znao to? I što s tim? Što s tim?  Jesam li bila zaštićena tada? Jesam li? Pa, preživjela sam. I neću to više dopustiti. Kažu da dobivamo onoliko koliko možemo podnijeti. I da nikad nismo sami. Pa, izgleda da je to istina. Samo, nikad to ne smijemo zaboraviti i dopustiti da nas životne situacije slome.

Did You know, my Dear, what happend? When? Last year??? No, my Dear. Few years ago. And before that, and before that. And many years ago. Did You know this? Did You? And is that important at all? Is that something important? Is it? Did You know, my Dear, about manipulation? Did You know, about blackmails? Did You? Did You know that? And what about it? What about it? Was I protected than? Was I? Well, I survived. And I will not allowed it anymore. It is said that we get what we can handle with. And we are never alone. Well, it seems that that is the truth. Just, we should not forget this, ever. And we should not let any life circumstances break us.

Nebeska.TV – Jesmo li mi samo (loši) glumci u (vrhunskoj) parodiji? / Heaven's.TV – Are we just (lousy) actors in the (excellent) burlesque?

Ne gledam TV. Ne slušam radio... otkad tako živim, osjećam se puno bolje, sretnije, opuštenije... Ponekad pročitam novine... i zapitam se... Je li ovo stvarno??? Ili se netko gadno šali na naš račun... Mora da se Bog ili više Njih, ovisno o našoj vjeroispovjesti, dobro zabavljaju, gledajući Nebesku.TV kad pušta program sa Zemlje: Uhićenje sredovječne prijestupnice – pazite kada prelazite cestu! Ne opirite se policiji pri upozorenju, uhićenju! To jako dobro znaju ove face: Nepravomoćna uvjetna presuda... Tko zna, možda do pravomoćnosti bude i potpuno oslobođen krivnje zbog skrušenog ponašanja i neopiranja... ili nedostatka dokaza... ili neke druge rupe u zakonu? A i iz lošeg, možete uvijek izvući neku korist: „Tvrtka Tomislava Horvatinčića tražila je 250 tisuća eura odštete od obitelji talijanskih nautičara stradalih u pomorskoj nesreći kod Primoštena.“ Nema opasnosti od bijega... A i zašto bi bježao? Kad zna da ne smije prelaziti na crveno... ... a dobro je i obećati da ćete se lijepo ponašati. Ovaj se sigurno neće opirati legitimiranju. Ukoliko ipak dobijete krivični dosje... imate dobre preporuke za buduće zanimanje... A ako se zamjerite (po)griješnima, i preživite... I još malo predstave... Tko zna, zna... No mjesto događanja nije samo Apsurdistan, aka Hrvatska... Evo i vijesti iz svijeta: Neobične situacije... zahtijevaju uobičajene odluke, da ne kažem pre(dra)sude... A ovo postaje stvarnost... Ne znam da li je žalosniji događaj ili posljedica (koje, zapravo, nema za počinitelje)... Naravoučenije? Nikad, ali baš nikad nemoj prijeći na CRVENO... Ako ispravno prelaziš cestu, možeš činiti što god poželiš, jer sve ostalo je dopušteno... pogotovo ako imaš dovoljno love, dobre odvjetnike i veliko društvo. Možda je to Njegov način da nam skrene pažnju na bitnije stvari u Životu? Jer, OVO ne može biti stvarnost. To je tragikomedija. A mi smo glumci koji su prošli audiciju... Nije li vrijeme da počnemo živjeti život, između predstava u kojima smo dobili uloge?

I do not watch TV. I do not listen to the radio… and since I do like that, I feel much better, happier, relaxed… Sometimes I do read newspapers… and ask myself… Is this for real??? Or someone is making bad jokes… It has to be that God or Gods, depending on your religion, have good fun watching Heaven’s TV when the Earth’s programme is on: Watch out when you are crossing the road - arrest of the older woman crossing the road on the red light! Do not resist to the police during the warning or arrest! Those big shots know that very good: Unvalid conditional verdict... Who knows, maybe till validity he will be completely non guilty due to good behavior and not resisting… or due to the lack of evidence… or some other hole in the law? And from the bad thing you can, also, have some advantage: „Tomislav Horvatinčić’s company asked 250.000 EUR compensation from the family of Italian sailors died in the nautical accident near Primošten.“  There is no danger of the eascape... And what’s for? When he knows that he cannot crossing the road when the traffic lights shows the red light... ... and good is to promise that you will behave good. Be sure that this guy will not resist during the checking of the documents. But, if you will have criminal record... this is good recommendation for the future carrier... And, if you create troubles to the wrong persons, and survive...    And some more show... Who knows, he knows... But the theatre place is not only Land of Absurdity, aka Croatia... There are some news from the world: Unusual situations... ask for usual decisions, not to say (pre)judgments... And this becomes reality... I do not know what is more tragic – the case itself or (absence of) the consequences... Moral of the story? Never, I mean never, do not cross the road during the RED traffic light... If you are crossing the road correctly, you can do whatever you want, because everything else is allowed... especially if you have enough money, good lawyers and big company. Maybe it is Hisis way to pay our attention on more important things in the Life? Because, THIS cannot be the reality. This is tragicomedy. And we are just actors who passed casting... Is it time to start live the Life, between the shows in which we play our roles?

O vegetarijanstvu i zlostavljanju / about vegetarian diet and mobbing

Jednog mirnog podneva, za vrijeme stanke za ručak... Sjedimo nas 15-ak, za velikim stolom i objedujemo, svatko sa svojim mislima, bez puno priče. Samo sam ja vegetarijanac, ali nitko se tome (više) ne čudi. Niti komentira. Osim relativno novog voditelja jednog odjela. Ne bi ni on, možda komentirao, da mu ja ne smetam... nije mu prvi put... da me komentira... No, ovaj put, nije mi dao mira dok jedem. Bio je toliko naporan da su se ostali počeli meškoljiti od nelagode. Pomislih: 'Oprostite, gospodine, vrijeđam li ja Vas zato što ste seronja, ljigavac i neodgojeni muški šovinist? Ne? Onda, molim Vas, i Vi meni dopustite da budem ono što jesam - vegetarijanac. Hvala.' No, samo ustadoh i udaljih se. Nikad više nisam sjela za taj stol za vrijeme jela. Nekoliko mjeseci kasnije udaljih se i s toga posla, nakon 10 godina rada i nakon 2 godine maltretiranja. Danas znam da je to doista bio dio zlostavljanja. Ah, da, a on je napredovao do pozicije direktora poduzeća J Zapravo, ne znam postoji li u ovom društvu netko tko ne sudjeluje u zlostavljanju, bilo kao žrtva, bilo kao zlostavljač ili kao nijemi promatrač koji dopušta da se sve odvija, obično zbog straha za svoju guzu. (svaka sličnost sa stvarnim osobama je namjerno slučajna, a možda se netko i slučajno prepozna)

Once upon a peacfull noon, during the lunch break… Fifteen of us were sitting around big table having lunch, silently, each of us in his or her’s thoughts. Only I was a vegetarian, but nowadays it is not strange (any more). Nor is anybody commenting. Except a relatively new head of one of the production units. Maybe he would not comment, but I am like a thorn in his eye, obviously… and it is not the first time… to pass a comment… But, this time, he did not give me a while I was eating. He was so mean that everyone started to feel uncomfortable. I thought: 'I am sorry, Mister, do I insult You, because You are asshole, weasel and rude male chauvinist? No? Than, please, let me be what I am – a vegetarian. Thank You.' But I only got up and went away. Never again I sit there during the eating. Few months later I left that job also, after 10 years of working there and after 2 years of being harassed. Today I know that was realy a part of the mobbing. And, yes, he was progressing to the head manager J Actually, I am not sure is there anyone in this society who is not engaged in abusing – as a victim or as a doer of some way of abusing, or as a silent witness who tolerate those things, usually due to the fear for his own existence. (every analogy with the real person is purposely incidental, and maybe someone will incdinetally recognize himself)