Obrasci / Patterns

Određene stvari koje ti kažeš uzrokuju određenu reakciju u tebi, kao recimo, jedan obrazac je da ja lažem stalno… Haa? Ja kad god pričam s tobom, lažem. Molim? Ja nikad ne pričam istinu kad pričam s tobom… Ozbiljno? Zar bih ja toliko pričala s nekim ko toliko laže? To je ono što ja stalno čujem i to je jako teško za probaviti. Jako teško. Je li to možda jedan od tvojih obrazaca? Ne, ozbiljno te pitam. Pa, pljeskao sam ti da si pogodila, čestitam… Mislim, kad ti velim ozbiljno te pitam, to znači… To znači da jesi. Da, jesi, da. Ja sam ti rekao, da kad meni netko nešto loše kaže… ja to multipliciram, onako, fino puno puta. Mislim da jako puno nas ima taj problem… Pa, čuj, to ti je osnova kršćanstva – krivnja… Zar ti ne dosadi taj osjećaj krivnje? Zašto mu se ne počneš smijati, da ga baciš od sebe… Misliš? Dokle god reagiramo, taj osjećaj krivnje neće nestati… (Tišina) Kaj? Mdaa… pa ne znam baš… nisam baš siguran ni u šta… Pa da, ako si… pa lijepo si rekao… ako si slobodan, slobodan si od svega… Ne bih rekao baš… Daj mi pojasni… Pa, kad je tako stalno nešto krivo… ja sam rekao 'ma boli me k…' Ali nije baš ispalo dobro… Pa, da, zato što emocija s kojom si to rekao nije ono što oslobađa… Pa, mislim… halo… Nije stvar u tome da veliš 'ma boli me k…', nego da doista ne reagiraš. Da napraviš najbolje što možeš i ne reagiraš na moguće reakcije oko toga da si ti nešto napravio loše ili dobro. (kasnije) Cijeli život sam treniran da će te ono što dobro napraviš, lupiti u glavu, pa to ne smiješ pustiti. Na primjer, pobijedim na natjecanju, a tata kaže 'a dobro ajde nisi izgubio ovaj put…' Ha ha ha ha I to ti je nagrada… Ha ha. A da li možeš sad tu situaciju promotriti sa njegove točke gledanja, jer ako sam ja dobro shvatila… Pa mogu, jer on me uvijek učio da ne budem… jer on me htio pohvaliti, ali da mi ne udari u glavu… on je stalno mislio… on me podržavao kad se bilo što loše dogodilo… on me podržavao, nije prigovarao… nego bi rekao… 'a dobro je, proći će…' ali, kad god sam nešto dobro napravio, to je bilo isto… i to će proći…

Certain things which you are saying are causing some reaction in you, i. e, one pattern is that I am lying all the time… What? I am lying, always, when I speak to you. Sorry? I am never saying the truth speaking with you… Really? Would I speak so much with someone who is lying so much? That is something I hear all the time and this is so heavy to digest. Very heavy. Is this, maybe, some of your patterns? No, I am seriously asking. Well, I was applauding to you. You guessed it, my congratulation… I mean, when I am saying to you I am serious, that means… That means yes, you are right. Yes, you are, yes. I have told, when someone tells me something bad… I am multiplying this, so, many, many times. I think that many of us have that problem… Well, this is base of Christianity – guilt… Aren’t you sick of that feeling of guilty? Why not to laugh to it, to throw it from yourself… You think so? Until we react, that feeling of guilty will not disappear… (Silence) What? Yesss… well I don’t know… I am not so sure in anything… Well, if you are… but you told very nice… if you are free, you are free from everything… I would not say so… Explain it to me… Well, something is always wrong… I have told ‘well, I don’t give a shit…’ But it was not so good… Well, yes, it was because that emotion you were talking with was not that one which makes you free… I think… hello… It is not the point in saying ‘I don’t give a shit…’ You have to not react. You have to make things the best you can and not to react on possible reactions about you made it bad or good. (later on) The whole my life I was trained that everything you make good will made you proud, and you can not let it be. So, I win the competition, my father say ‘ah, good, you didn’t loose this time…’ Ha ha ha ha And this is your award… Ha ha. And can you now look at this situation from his point of view, because if I understood… Well, I can. He always taught me not to be… he wanted to praise me, but not to make me proud… he always thought… he supported me when something bad happened… he supported me, he didn’t criticized… he would say… ‘it is good, it will pass away..’ but, every time I made some good thing, it was the same… that will pass away too…

Sumnja / Doubt

… Dobro. Ha ha ha Ne, ovo nije… ovo je spontano, ovo nije po napucima… Ja ne vjerujem… ništa ti ja ne vjerujem… ha ha ha, prelukava si… Ono što me sad podsjetilo… Prelukava si ti… Nisam, nisam baš toliko lukava, ja sam jako naivna. Ha ha… Ne znam. To ti misliš; ne zvučiš tako. Ne mislim to ja; to su rekli ljudi koji su me… … prevarili… … poznavali, koji su me poznavali. Dobro, s obzirom da pričamo, to je dobar znak, jel? Da li je, općenito, dobro što mi pričamo, nemam blage veze i svaki put kad ti kažeš da nije dobro da mi pričamo, kužiš, onda ja dobijem… Ja? Da, ti! Onda ja dobijem mlade.. i onda se počnem pitati možda stvarno nije dobro i, ne znam, sve što ide…

… Good. Ha ha ha No, this is not… this is spontaneous; this is not planned… I do not believe… I do not believe you anything… ha ha ha, you are too sly… That what remind me now… You are too sly… I am not, I am not so sly, I am very naive. Ha ha… I don’t know. You think so? But you don’t sound like this. It is not my opinion; so said people who… … cheated you… … knew me, who knew me. Good, since we are talking, that is good sign, isn’t it? If it is, in generally, good that we talk I don’t know. Every time when you say that is not good that we talk, you know, I get… Me? Yes, you! Than I get nervous… and I am starting to ask myself if that really is not good and, I don’t know, everything what is going on…

Pohvala / Praise

Hm, ne znam kako bih rekla… Probaj, stvarno… dobro ti ide… (5min kasnije) Mmm, je li to dobro ili loše? Je li to bila pohvala ili kaj? Zapažanje, ali u principu me iznenadilo. Baš imaš drugačiji glas. Jel to dobro ili loše? U ovom trenutku je jako dobro, fantastično… ovo što ti pričaš je fenomenalno, mislim, nebulozno dobro, jako dobro. To nije dr House iz tebe? Nnnneee. Ne, ne, ne. Ovo je stvarno… ono što pričaš je dobro, tako da… (sat vremena kasnije) Dobro. Znaš što, počeo sam zajebavati, daj molim te, nastavi… dobro ti je išlo do sada, tako da… Pa još uvijek mi ide dobro, samo ti ne znaš da ponekad trebamo naše umove onako opustiti s ovim zajebancijama da bi onda mogao opet prihvatiti slijedeće i da ti se um otvori, jer kao padobran, um najbolje radi kad je otvoren :))) Moj ne. Moj ima rupe. Pa svi imaju rupe, zato da se ne poderu; to je normalno :). Samo te rupice trebaju biti takve veličine da malo uspore pad…

Hm, I don’t know how to say… Try, realy… you are doing well… (5min later) Mmm, is this good or bad? Was this a praise or what? It was an observation, but, in fact, I was surprised. You really have different voice. Is this good or bad? In this moment is it very good, fantastic… that what you are talking is phenomenal, I mean, really good, very good. This is not dr House in you? Nooooo. No, no, no. This is reality… that what are you talking is very good, so… (one hour later) Good. You know what, I started to tease, please, continue… you were going well till now, so… Well, it’s still going well, but you don’t know that sometimes we have to relax our minds with such jokes so we can accept new things. In that way your mind is going to be open, and like parachute, the mind is working better if open is :))) Mine does not. Mine has holes. Well, all of them have holes, to avoid tearing up; this is normal :). Only, those holes have to be of such sizes to slow down the fall…