Obiteljsko pravo i zlostavljanje, mržnja i ljubav / Family law and abuse, hatred and love

Prije nekoliko godina pitala sam prijateljicu, sutkinju, o fizičkim zlostavljanjima u braku i tada je, ljutita na šutnju žrtava, komentirala da bi zatvorila žene koje šute godinama, dopuštajući svoje i zlostavljanje djece u braku. Nedavno sam je pitala za savjet kada žena nije šutjela i otišla je od supruga, a sada joj sud, na temelju neprimjereno proučenog slučaja kod socijalne službe i izjave istih da je djetetu bolje kod oca, oduzima skrbništvo nad djetetom. Šutjela je. Naime, otac djeteta, je prvo počinio višekratni preljub (i još to čini), a zatim i nasrnuo fizički na majku, više puta, o čemu postoje i liječnički izvještaj i sudske presude u njezinu korist. Socijalna služba potpuno je zanemarila sve to i samo na osnovu njegove izjave da je majka nepouzdana jer je nezaposlena i nema stalno boravište (otkad je pobjegla od zlostavljanja), zaključili su da je djetetu bolje s ocem... On je iz bogate obitelji, a ona je 'slobodni umjetnik', jer se on potrudio da ostane bez posla kad je otišla. Svejedno, ta žena i dalje se bori, brine o sebi i djetetu i ništa im ne nedostaje... osim pravne zaštite. Ona je samostalna i snalažljiva, inteligentna i školovana... i prijeti joj gubitak skrbništva i dodjela skrbništva nasilnom i preljubničkom, ali bogatom, utjecajnom ocu. Kako se onda itko može čuditi što druge žene, koje su u još nepovoljnijem položaju, šute? Imala sam priliku upoznati i jednog oca koji se borio nad skrbništvom... Kad čovjek sluša i čita njegove izjave, rekao bi – sasvim je u pravu, divan čovjek, a zakinut... Ali, ja sam ga upoznala kroz posao - znam koliko je površan i koliko je nasilan kad mu se ukaže na greške... Ne znam koji su razlozi bili kod njega za razvod, ali lakše mi je nakon poslovnog iskustva s njim suosjećati s njom. I dolazim do druge, ali ne i nepovezane teme... položaj žena u patrijarhalnom društvu. Moja iskustva, kao i iskustva žena s kojima sam pričala, dolazila u dodir... na žalost, poražavajuća su. Ne, nisam feministica, iako me tako neki zovu kad otvorim usta... Neki su mi govorili da sam potpuno u pravu, ali da naše društvo nije (još) spremno za te izjave... Danas uglavnom šutim... ne zato što sam doista ušutkana, već zato što se ne isplati trošiti energiju na takav način. Slučaj s početka me ponukao da ipak nešto kažem. Možda će netko barem malo zastati i zapitati se – otkuda takva mržnja? Mržnja prema ženama od strane muškaraca. Mržnja prema ženama od strane žena. Mržnja prema muškarcima od strane žena. Govorim o neosnovanoj mržnji... iako, svaka je mržnja, zapravo neosnovana... čak i kad postoji 'fizički razlog' da se nekoga mrzi, još uvijek je prava pobjeda ljubiti... što ne znači i ostati 'na dohvat ruke'...

Few years ago I asked my friend, a judge and a woman, about physical abuse in the marriage. Her comment was, a very angry one, that she would arrest all women who were silent for years, letting them and their children being abused. Few days ago, I asked her for an advice, for one woman who decide not to be silent any more, and left her husband. Now the court is taking away custody over the child and giving it to the husband. The descision was made after a weak and improper social services investigation which stated  that it is better for a child to be with the father. She did not say a word. Namely, the father of the child, committed adultery (and still does it), and also physically attacked her, more than once. There are medical reports, also the court verdict in her sake. Social service completely ignored all of that and just in the name of his statement that mother is unreliable due to her unemployment and she has no residence (since she run away not to be abused any more), they concluded that is better for child to be with the father… As he is from a very rich family, and she is just a ‘freelancer’, he made shure she lost her job get, after she left him. However, that woman does not give up, she takes care of both of them and nothing is missing… except legal protection. She is independent and adaptive, intelligent and educated… and she is facing a loss of custody which would be awarder to the aggressive and cheating, but rich and influental father. Why do then people wonder why women, who are even in more inauspicious position, are keeping silent? I had an opportunity to meet one father who fought for custody… When you listen and read his statements, you would say – he is completely right, wonderfull man, and so in unfavorable position… But, I met him on the work – I know how flimsy he is, and how agressive he is when you point out his mistakes… I do not know what were the reasons for divorce, but for me is more suitable to sympathize his ex wife. And I come to other, but not unconnected subject… position of women in patriarch society. My experiences, as well as experiences of women with whom I talked, and came in touch… are, unfortunately, completely negative. No, I am not the feminist, although some address me so, when I speak… Some people told me that I am completely right, but our society is not ready (yet) to hear such statements… Today, I am quiet, mostly… not because I am realy shut up, but because it is realy useless to spend energy in such a way. But, the above case moved me to tell something. Maybe someone will stop for a while and ask themselves – from where such hatred comes? Hatred towards women by men. Hatred towards women, by women. Hatred towards men, by women. I speak about baseless hatred… although, every hatred is, actually, baseless… even there is ‘phsyical’ (or psychic) reason for hatred, still the real victory is to love… not means to stay ‘within reach of the hand’…

Dan planeta Zemlja / Earth Day

Voliš li me? Ne, ne želim prazne riječi... pokaži mi...

Do you love me? No, I do not want empty words… show me

3 min 54 sec

Sebičnost / Selfishness

Znaš, ponekad razmišljam kako je doista definirati... Neki dan sam se sjetila nekih druženja i pomislila zašto, zapravo, nisu uspjela... I pomislih da je zbog sebičnosti, kao rezultat granica, neujednačenih. Znaš, već, svatko od nas ima svoje granice... trebamo naučiti poštovati – sebe i svoje granice, ali i druge i njihove granice. Onog trena kad mislimo samo o svojim granicama i zanemarujemo tuđe, javlja se sebičnost. Onog trena kad svojevoljno prelazimo svoje granice, poštujući tuđe, rađa se Ljubav... Čije granice želiš ti prelaziti?

You know, sometimes, I think about how to really define it… One day I remembered some of my relationships and thought about why they did not work… And, I thought it was because of selfishness, as result of boundaries, unevenness. As You know everyone has its own boundaries… we have to learn to respect them – ourselves and our boundaries, but also others and their boundaries. That moment when we think just of our own boundaries and neglect other people’s boundaries, selfishness apears. The moment we cross, by our own choice, our boundaries, but with respect towards the boundaries of others, Love is growing… Whose boundaries would you like to cross?