Odgađanje / Postponing

Odgađanje korištenja vlastitih potencijala… ... zbog... ... straha od vlastite svjetlosti... ... i straha od neuspjeha. Strah od krajnosti – i uspjeha i neuspjeha – prividna ravnoteža. Ponekad nije problem odugovlačenje početka koliko nedovršavanje. Jer je puno toga ostalo neiskorišteno ili se negdje izgubilo…

Postponing of use of your own potentials… … because… …of the fear from your own light… … and of the fear from the failure. The fear of extremes – of success and failure – imaginary balance. Sometimes the problem is not postponing but not finishing what we started. For… many things were wasted or lost somewhere…

Sjeti se / Remember

Znaš ono, kad krenemo prebirati po sjećanjima i zapetljamo se u ona loša... I onda zaboravimo čemu, zapravo sjećanja služe...	You know… when we start digging up old memories and then get stuck with the bad ones… And then, we forget what the purpose of the memories actually was…
Historia vero testis temporum, lux veritatis, vita memoriae, magistra vitae, nuntia vetustatis, qua voce alia nisi oratoris immortalitati commendatur?
A povijest, svjedokinja stoljeća, svjetlost istine, život sjećanja, učiteljica života, glasnica starine, kojim drugim glasom može osigurati besmrtnost negoli govorničkim? Ciceron, O govorniku, II, 36.	By what other voice, too, than that of the orator, is history, the witness of time, the light of truth, the life of memory, the directress of life, the herald of antiquity, committed to immortality? Cicero, De Oratore, II, 36.
Usus magister egregius.
Iskustvo je najbolji učitelj.	Experience is the best teacher.
Repetitio est mater studiorum.
Ponavljanje je majka učenja.	Repetition is the mother of study.
Errando discimus.
Griješeći učimo.	By making mistakes we learn.
Cessante causa cessat effectus.
Prestankom uzroka, prestaje i posljedica.	The cause ceasing, the effect must cease.
Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero!
Iskoristi dan, ne vjeruj sljedećem. Horacije, Carmina (Ode) 1,11,8.	Seize the day, trusting tomorrow as little as possible. Horace, Carmina (Odes) 1,11,8.
Tako sam i sama doživljavala putovanja... sve dok nisam došla 'produhovljenima' koji su se postavljali kao da su uhvatili Boga za bradu... Ispostavilo se da su to bili samo ljudi koji nisu znali nositi se sa svojom prošlošću. Izvlačili su sjećanja, ali bi se zapetljavali u njih, bez stvarnih probavljanja i otpuštanja. Možda je to izvlačenje i potrebno, ali s osvještavanjem i pročišćavanjem, s ciljem da se nauči potrebno i odbaci nepotrebno. Bez zamornih prežvakavanja i vrtnje u krugovima. Svejedno, u nekom trenutku zaboravljajući intuiciju i prirođeno znanje, ne vjerujući sebi, već drugima, odbacih svoju mudrost i prolazih dulji put. Vodič mi je pomogao da se vratim. Gdje je greška? I u kome je? Nema greške – svatko je odigrao svoju ulogu u mom životu i u napredovanju na slijedeću razinu. Zahvalna sam, pa makar mi zbog toga putovanje trajalo dulje. Ostavimo prošlost iza sebe – kao vrijedno iskustvo, poduku, kao lijepo sjećanje. Pogledajmo što je ispred nas, kao mogućnost... Ali djelujmo sada, mudriji za staro i svjesniji za novo... Doista, sada je jedino što imamo na ovoj razini – prošlost je nepromjenjiva, a budućnost ne postoji...	I perceived my journeys like that, too… until I met some ‘spiritual’ people who behaved as God's own cousin… It turned out that they were just people who did not know how to deal with their past. They have drawn out memories, but they have been embroiled into it, without really digesting and releasing them. Maybe that drawing out is necessary, but with awakening and cleansing, with the goal of learning what is required and discarding what is not. Without tiresome masticating and circling. However, in some moment, I forgot my intuition and natural knowledge, I have stopped believing myself, and started believing others, and I gave up my wisdom and went the long way. The Guide helped me to come back. Where is the mistake? Who is the guilty one? There is no mistake – everyone had some role in my life and in my evolution to the next level. I am grateful, no matter for the longer journey. Let’s leave our past behind – as precious experience, as a good memory. Let’s look what is in front of us, as possibility… But, now act knowing that you are wiser for all old experiences and aware for new… Indeed, now is the only thing we have, on this level – the past is fixed; the future is not existing…

A kad smo već kod krivnje... / ... when we speak about guilt...

Kao djevojčica, a kasnije i kao djevojka, i kao žena, susretala sam se s čestim pokušajima nabacivanja krivnje. Na žalost, mnoštvo takvih pokušaja, neminovno je ostavilo traga. Pitala sam se čime sam izazivala i pokušavala se prilagođavati prigovorima... Nakon nekog vremena shvatila sam da nešto nije u redu – što god pokušavala, rezultat bi uvijek bio isti: privlačenje muškaraca na način koji mi nije bio ni na kraj pameti. Naravno, zato što sam ja žena, a oni su muškarci! Radilo se o privlačenju suprotnih energija, koje teže spajanju. Ne bi to bio problem da su obje strane zainteresirane, da žele isto – fizičko sjedinjavanje. Problem nastaje kad meni nije ni na kraj pameti fizičko druženje, a uvjerava me se da jest ili, još gore, da sam sama to tražila. Čime? Oblačenjem, frizurom, šminkom, smijanjem... Neko vrijeme sam pokušavala smanjiti sve moguće izazove – oblačila sam se više kao muškarac, zakopčana do grla, odjeća što šira, kosa čupava, neugledna, lice bez šminke, bez osmijeha... Mislite da je pomoglo? Nije. Mislite da sam bila sretna što se ne smijem? Jer, čim se nasmijem, krene... Ne, ne zezam se... Onda sam odlučila biti sretna. I govoriti unaprijed što mi jest, a što nije namjera. Nije ni to pomoglo. Odnekud se javila spika 'misliš da, iako govoriš ne...' Onda sam rekla 'OK. Dosta!' I tražila da mi se odgovori što sam točno napravila i da li bi pomoglo da sam napravila nešto drugo... I počela sam dobivati odgovore... sad više nije bila kriva moja odjeća ili smijeh već 'energija', pa 'sloboda', pa... Da bismo na koncu došli do toga da, zapravo, nikad i nije bio problem u meni. Ili u mom oblačenju. Problem je bio u tuđoj pohoti. I traženju opravdanja za nju. A pohota se pretvarala u mržnju kad nije zadovoljena. A mržnja se očitovala u fizičkom nametanju (kad intelektualno nije bilo uspješno). A kad nije uspijevalo ni fizičko nametanje, onda se primjenjivalo načelo 'većine', odnosno brojčane nadmoći... Žalosno... Žalosno... Žalosno...	As a little girl, and later as an adolescent, and as a woman too, I have encountered many attempts when people tried to impose feeling of guilt, onto me. Unfortunately, many of those attempts left trace... I asked myself what I have done to cause it and tried to adjust myself… After a while I realized that something is wrong – whatever I tried, the result was always the same: attracting men in the way I did not want. Of course, it was because I am a woman, and they were men! It was simply attracting opposite energies, with merging tendencies. It will not be the problem if both sides were interested, if both sides wanted the same – physical union. The problem appears when I have no any physical intension, but the other side assures me that I have it, or, the worse, that I want it. With what? With my cloth, hair, make up, smile… For some time I tried to minimize all those ‘challenges’ – I dressed myself more like man, reserved, wide cloth; the hair was fluffy, seamy; without make up; no smile… Do you think it helped? No. Do you think I was happy not to smile? Because, when I smile, it goes… No, I am not joking… Then I decided to be happy. And speak in advance what is and what is not my attention. It was not of much help, too. Now the reaction was: You just speak ‘no’, but you think ‘yes’… Then I said ‘OK. Enough!’ And I insisted on answers what I have done, exactly, and is there something I could do instead… And answers started coming… problem was not in my cloth or my smile any more… it was my ‘energy’, ‘freedom’, and so on… Finally, we came to the point that never was me. Or my dress. The problem was in someone’s lust. And in finding an excuse for it. And lust transforms into hatred, when it is not satisfied. And the hatred manifested in physical imposition (if intellectual imposition is not successful). And when the physical imposition was not successful, too, then implements principle of ‘majority’, quantitative supremacy… It is so sad… It is so sad… It is so sad…
Angry Indian Goddesses
Sjeti se da si besmrtna i uzdigni se iz osjećaja krivnje. I ne dopusti da ti je itko nabaci. I ne nabacuj je niti ti drugima.	Remember that you are the immortal one and raise from the feeling of guilt. And do not allow yourself to be imposed by it. And do not do it to others, too.

Kratki spoj iliti Prebacivanje krivnje / Short circuit or Shifting the guilt

Postoje trenuci u životu kad nam se čini da smo izgubili tlo pod nogama. Tražeći smislove, razloge za rupu pod nama često tražimo izvana i nalazimo 'krivce'... OK, možda smo imali teško djetinjstvo, nisu nas baš mazili ni roditelji (ako smo ih imali), ni prijatelji, učitelji, susjedi... Jedno je biti svjestan tuđeg štetnog utjecaja i maknuti se od toga, čim je moguće, a drugo je kriviti druge/situacije za vlastite neuspjehe. Tražeći podršku, hvatamo se bilo za što/koga što nam izgleda prihvatljivo... (sjetilo me ovo na neke dijelove iz filma Carstvo sunca ) Podrške nam služe da nam daju dodatni poticaj, usmjeravanje u trenucima zbunjenosti, a ne kao netko/nešto na koga/što ćemo prebaciti odgovornost za svoj život, o kome ćemo postati ovisni. Za razlučivanje nam jako dobro dođe zdrav razum – naučimo slušati Vodstvo (unutarnje, ponekad i kroz vanjski utjecaj), a ne manipulirati Njime. Ako se ne uhvatimo u koštac sa svojim problemima, traumama, projekcijama, reakcijama na situacije (nastavi niz), i ne riješimo ih sa sobom, uvijek ćemo se vrtjeti u krugu i, konačno, tražiti krivnju u nečem/nekom izvan nas. Ukoliko smo pritom (emotivno) vezani za nekog/nešto određeno, doći će do kratkog spoja unutar nas i stvari ćemo presložiti u skladu sa tom slikom. To će za nas postati istina. Doduše, istina s puno rupa, ali... kao da je to važno. Važno je samo pobjeći od sebe... I bježat ćemo, bježati, praveći se da trčimo u potjeri za 'krivcem'. Tek kad se umorimo, kad zastanemo, možda ćemo si dopustiti da pogledamo oko sebe i pronađemo novo viđenje (ili novog 'krivca' ;)) Istinsko rješenje, ipak, bit će kad pogledamo unutar sebe... ... kad prihvatimo prošlost i odmaknemo se od nje, gledajući naprijed... ... kad oprostimo sebi, a potom i drugima i krenemo dalje, ostavljajući začarane krugove za sobom, u prošlosti, gdje im je i mjesto...

There are moments in life when it seems we lost the ground. Searching for meanings, reasons for that hole we feel, often we are looking outside to find the ‘perpetrators’… OK, maybe we had hard childhood, we have not been pampered by our parents (if we had them), nor by friends, teachers, neighbors… One thing is to be aware of someone’s harmful influence and to move away of it, as soon as possible. The other thing is to blame others / situations for your own failings. Searching for the support, we grasp at anything/anyone acceptable… (this reminded me on some parts of the movie Empire of the Sun ) Supports have to give us an extra impulse, to be guides in confused moments, not something/someone to whom we will transfer responsibilities for our own life or to get addicted to them. We need a common sense with which we will be able to differentiate – we have to learn how to listen to the Guide (the inner one, sometimes trough the outer way, also), but not to manipulate with It. If we do not cope with our own problems, traumas, projections, reactions on situations (continue the series), and if we do not resolve it with ourselves, we will always stay in the circle and, finally, search for the guilt in something / someone outside. If we are (emotively) attached to someone / something specifically, it will create a short circuit in us and we will see the world in such a way. That will become our truth. Although, that truth will have many holes, but… who cares. It only matters that we escape – from ourselves… And we will run, and run… pretending that we are running in a search for the ‘perpetrators’… Just when we will get tired, when we stop, maybe we will let ourselves to look around and find a new sight (or a new ‘perpetrator’ ;)) But, the real solution is only when we look inside ourselves… … when we accept the past and move away from it, looking forward… … when we forgive to ourselves, and then others also, and move on, leaving spellbound circles behind, in the past, when they belongs…

Obiteljsko pravo i zlostavljanje, mržnja i ljubav / Family law and abuse, hatred and love

Prije nekoliko godina pitala sam prijateljicu, sutkinju, o fizičkim zlostavljanjima u braku i tada je, ljutita na šutnju žrtava, komentirala da bi zatvorila žene koje šute godinama, dopuštajući svoje i zlostavljanje djece u braku. Nedavno sam je pitala za savjet kada žena nije šutjela i otišla je od supruga, a sada joj sud, na temelju neprimjereno proučenog slučaja kod socijalne službe i izjave istih da je djetetu bolje kod oca, oduzima skrbništvo nad djetetom. Šutjela je. Naime, otac djeteta, je prvo počinio višekratni preljub (i još to čini), a zatim i nasrnuo fizički na majku, više puta, o čemu postoje i liječnički izvještaj i sudske presude u njezinu korist. Socijalna služba potpuno je zanemarila sve to i samo na osnovu njegove izjave da je majka nepouzdana jer je nezaposlena i nema stalno boravište (otkad je pobjegla od zlostavljanja), zaključili su da je djetetu bolje s ocem... On je iz bogate obitelji, a ona je 'slobodni umjetnik', jer se on potrudio da ostane bez posla kad je otišla. Svejedno, ta žena i dalje se bori, brine o sebi i djetetu i ništa im ne nedostaje... osim pravne zaštite. Ona je samostalna i snalažljiva, inteligentna i školovana... i prijeti joj gubitak skrbništva i dodjela skrbništva nasilnom i preljubničkom, ali bogatom, utjecajnom ocu. Kako se onda itko može čuditi što druge žene, koje su u još nepovoljnijem položaju, šute? Imala sam priliku upoznati i jednog oca koji se borio nad skrbništvom... Kad čovjek sluša i čita njegove izjave, rekao bi – sasvim je u pravu, divan čovjek, a zakinut... Ali, ja sam ga upoznala kroz posao - znam koliko je površan i koliko je nasilan kad mu se ukaže na greške... Ne znam koji su razlozi bili kod njega za razvod, ali lakše mi je nakon poslovnog iskustva s njim suosjećati s njom. I dolazim do druge, ali ne i nepovezane teme... položaj žena u patrijarhalnom društvu. Moja iskustva, kao i iskustva žena s kojima sam pričala, dolazila u dodir... na žalost, poražavajuća su. Ne, nisam feministica, iako me tako neki zovu kad otvorim usta... Neki su mi govorili da sam potpuno u pravu, ali da naše društvo nije (još) spremno za te izjave... Danas uglavnom šutim... ne zato što sam doista ušutkana, već zato što se ne isplati trošiti energiju na takav način. Slučaj s početka me ponukao da ipak nešto kažem. Možda će netko barem malo zastati i zapitati se – otkuda takva mržnja? Mržnja prema ženama od strane muškaraca. Mržnja prema ženama od strane žena. Mržnja prema muškarcima od strane žena. Govorim o neosnovanoj mržnji... iako, svaka je mržnja, zapravo neosnovana... čak i kad postoji 'fizički razlog' da se nekoga mrzi, još uvijek je prava pobjeda ljubiti... što ne znači i ostati 'na dohvat ruke'...

Few years ago I asked my friend, a judge and a woman, about physical abuse in the marriage. Her comment was, a very angry one, that she would arrest all women who were silent for years, letting them and their children being abused. Few days ago, I asked her for an advice, for one woman who decide not to be silent any more, and left her husband. Now the court is taking away custody over the child and giving it to the husband. The descision was made after a weak and improper social services investigation which stated  that it is better for a child to be with the father. She did not say a word. Namely, the father of the child, committed adultery (and still does it), and also physically attacked her, more than once. There are medical reports, also the court verdict in her sake. Social service completely ignored all of that and just in the name of his statement that mother is unreliable due to her unemployment and she has no residence (since she run away not to be abused any more), they concluded that is better for child to be with the father… As he is from a very rich family, and she is just a ‘freelancer’, he made shure she lost her job get, after she left him. However, that woman does not give up, she takes care of both of them and nothing is missing… except legal protection. She is independent and adaptive, intelligent and educated… and she is facing a loss of custody which would be awarder to the aggressive and cheating, but rich and influental father. Why do then people wonder why women, who are even in more inauspicious position, are keeping silent? I had an opportunity to meet one father who fought for custody… When you listen and read his statements, you would say – he is completely right, wonderfull man, and so in unfavorable position… But, I met him on the work – I know how flimsy he is, and how agressive he is when you point out his mistakes… I do not know what were the reasons for divorce, but for me is more suitable to sympathize his ex wife. And I come to other, but not unconnected subject… position of women in patriarch society. My experiences, as well as experiences of women with whom I talked, and came in touch… are, unfortunately, completely negative. No, I am not the feminist, although some address me so, when I speak… Some people told me that I am completely right, but our society is not ready (yet) to hear such statements… Today, I am quiet, mostly… not because I am realy shut up, but because it is realy useless to spend energy in such a way. But, the above case moved me to tell something. Maybe someone will stop for a while and ask themselves – from where such hatred comes? Hatred towards women by men. Hatred towards women, by women. Hatred towards men, by women. I speak about baseless hatred… although, every hatred is, actually, baseless… even there is ‘phsyical’ (or psychic) reason for hatred, still the real victory is to love… not means to stay ‘within reach of the hand’…

Dan planeta Zemlja / Earth Day

Voliš li me? Ne, ne želim prazne riječi... pokaži mi...

Do you love me? No, I do not want empty words… show me

3 min 54 sec

Sebičnost / Selfishness

Znaš, ponekad razmišljam kako je doista definirati... Neki dan sam se sjetila nekih druženja i pomislila zašto, zapravo, nisu uspjela... I pomislih da je zbog sebičnosti, kao rezultat granica, neujednačenih. Znaš, već, svatko od nas ima svoje granice... trebamo naučiti poštovati – sebe i svoje granice, ali i druge i njihove granice. Onog trena kad mislimo samo o svojim granicama i zanemarujemo tuđe, javlja se sebičnost. Onog trena kad svojevoljno prelazimo svoje granice, poštujući tuđe, rađa se Ljubav... Čije granice želiš ti prelaziti?

You know, sometimes, I think about how to really define it… One day I remembered some of my relationships and thought about why they did not work… And, I thought it was because of selfishness, as result of boundaries, unevenness. As You know everyone has its own boundaries… we have to learn to respect them – ourselves and our boundaries, but also others and their boundaries. That moment when we think just of our own boundaries and neglect other people’s boundaries, selfishness apears. The moment we cross, by our own choice, our boundaries, but with respect towards the boundaries of others, Love is growing… Whose boundaries would you like to cross?

Razumijevanje? / Understanding?

ONA: Lijep je dan i plavo je nebo! ON:  I sunce sija i toplo je! ONA: Nista me nisi shvatio! Rekla sam ti da je nebo na drugoj strani planete i da je tamo polumjesec! ON: ???? ONA: :PPPP Kažu da postoji muški i ženski mozak. I što se onda čudiš???

SHE: The day is beautifull and the sky is blue! HE: And sun is shining and it is warm! SHE: You did not understand anything! I said that sky is on the other side of the planet and there is crescent! HE: ???? SHE: :PPPP It is said there is male and female brain. So, what is strange???

Opraštanje / Forgiveness

Opraštanje je dubok izdah, nakon kojeg slijedi opuštanje, oslobađanje. Očekivala sam „žao mi je“, a ne „oprosti za…“ nešto što si znao da ćeš učiniti. Samo „žao mi je“. A ne nestanak bez riječi. Griješimo. Očekujemo. Povređujemo. Kad ću oprostiti? Kako oprostiti? Kad osjećam se nedorečeno. Kad sam ponovno prekinuta u pola koraka, a druge strane nema da dovršim svoj korak. Moram sama. Ako ne može biti dorečeno u dvoje, moram doreći sama. Prihvatiti nedorečeno... razumjeti... Prihvatiti i pustiti. Možda i nije do mene. Ako mogu razumjeti i pustiti... možda doista i nije do mene. Ne mogu biti kriva za tuđe nerazumijevanje i neprihvaćanje. Učinila si sve što si mogla, rekla je. Učinila sam sve što sam mogla... Opraštam sebi. I tebi. I dišem ponovno. Duboko.

Forgivness is deep exhalation, after which comes relaxing, release. I expected “I am sorry”, not “Sorry for…” something you knew you will do. Just “sorry”. Not disappearance, without words. We make mistakes. We expect. We hurt others. When will I forgive? How to forgive? When I feel understated, unfinished. When I have been interrupted, again, in a half step, and there is no other side to finishing my step. I have to do for myself. If it cannot be said in two, I have to say it alone. To accept untold… to understand… To accept and let it go. Maybe it is not my fault. If I can understand and let it go… maybe it is not my fault, at all. I cannot be guilty for misunderstanding of others and unacceptance. You have done what you could, she told. I have done what I could. I forgive myself. I forgive you. And I breath again. Fully.

Osveta / Revenge

Pišem i plačem. Plačem pišući o tebi. A ne mogu ništa reći… da ne bih… da ne bih… da ostanem stajati, bez obzira… da ostanem stajati… da se ne slomim… da se ne slomim… da se ne… Ne prestajem plakati. Doista, ne znam što s tim. Dio mene nema veze s tim. Ali, nešto nedostaje. Nešto nedostaje. Nije u redu. Nije u redu da prođe bez kazne, čineći i dalje ono što čini. O, da, želim da ga snađe Ruka Pravde… Iako, vjerujem da je i mene snašla… i mene je... Imam li uopće pravo na to? Imam li? Probudih se u gluho doba noći u čudu. Bolovi me natjeraše da odvrtim film. I osjetih osvetu. I zapitah se 'Dolazi li to od mene?' Oh, ne želim negativnost iz sebe, ali niti u sebe. I, shvatih da su sve samo projekcije naših iskustava i očekivanja, i da im ne treba pridavati toliko pažnje. Primijetiti i odbaciti. Biti u središtu. I dobila sam priliku... proći sve... malo drugačije, ali isto. I ponovno sam plakala, ovaj put nad njim. Nad njim koji ne zna, ne vidi to. Ja barem znam, barem vidim... I nisam znala kome je gore, na trenutak... nisam znala... samo na trenutak. Vidjela sam krug u kojem se vrtimo... i nije bilo jasno tko počinje, a tko nastavlja... u krugu... bez kraja i bez početka... I znala sam... moram stati... Ali, kako? I sjetih se Plesa s Tobom... Hvala.

I write and I cry. I am crying writing about you. And I cannot tell anything… not to… not to… to remain standing, no metter what… to remain standing… not to brake… not to breake… not to… I cannot stop crying. Really, I do not know what to do with it. One part of me has nothing to do with it. But something is missing. Something is missing. It is not OK. It is not OK to let it go, without punishment, let him do the same things again. Oh, yes, I want ‘The Hand of Justice’ to reach him… Although, I believe it also reached me… me too… Do I have the rights for that? Do I? I woke up in the middle of the night wondering. Pain made me ‘see the movie of my life’. And I felt revenge. And I asked myself ‘Does it come from me?’ Oh, I do not want negativity neither from myself, neither in myself. And I realized that all was just projection of our experiences and expectations, and it should not require so much attention of us. Notice and reject it. Be in the middle. And I got the chance… to pass through everything… a bit different, but all the same. And, again, I have cried, this time for him. For him who does not know, who cannot see. At least, I know now, I can see it… And, for a moment, I did not know to whome is worse… I did not know… just for the moment. I saw the circle in which we are spinning… and it was not so clear who starts, and who continues… in that circle… without end and without beginning… And I knew… I have to stop… But, how? And then I rememberd the Dance with You… Thank You.

Na ovaj ili na onaj način? / This way, or another?

I dok ležim, zbunjena, razmišljam o 'nama'. Čitavu priču mogu gledati barem na dva načina. 'A' način: On je 'pas lutalica' koji čezne za ljubavlju, za toplinom, za domom. U njemu sam ugledala onu Iskru koju nisam mogla pustiti da se sakrije pod teretom tuge njegove. I kad sam pristala pogaziti sve svoje strahove i druge želje i biti s njim, on se povukao, uplašen da će ostati sam. Ili, 'B' način: on je običan iskompleksirani muškić kojemu je bilo bitno pokazati da može raditi što hoće. Znao je da će me povrijediti i to ga nije ometalo. Bez skrupula. Za moje je duševno stanje, naizgled, bolje da sam Ivana Orleanska ('A' način). Jest da me jedan moj dio uvjerava da je on Don Huan ('B' način), jer je naizgled lakše biti oklopljen oklopom mržnje, nego se otvoriti i biti povrijeđen. Ali samo naizgled. Moja je priroda Ljubav i svaki ubod nasilja i mržnje me ranjava do boli, do smrti. Ne mogu umirati od tih uboda. Radije ću izgorjeti u vatri Ljubavi. Sretna što sam ponovno slobodna, ipak je najbolji način (C :)))

Lying on the bed, confused, I am thinking about ‘us’. At the whole story I can look in two ways, at least. ‘A’ way:  He is a ‘street dog’ craving for love, warmness, home. In him I saw that Spark I couldn’t let go hiding under his sorrow. And when I accepted to wade all of my fears and other whishes, and be with him, he gave up, frightened that he will stay alone.    Or, ‘B’ way: he is an ordinary boy, full of complexes, who wanted to show only that he can whatever he wants. He knew he will hurt me and he did it consciously. Regardless. For my sake, seemingly, it is better to be Joan of Ark (the ‘A’ way). OK, one of my voices insists that he is just Don Juan (the ‘B’ way), because, seemingly, it is easier to be armored with the hatred, than open myself and be affected. But, only seemingly. My real nature is Love and every act of violence and hatred painfully wounds me, to the death. I do not want perish because of that. Rather I would burn in the fire of Love. Happy for being free, again, is the best way, anyway (C :)))

Vječna sumnja / Eternal doubt

Jesi li znao, Dragi moj, što se dogodilo? Kada? Prošle godine??? Ne, Dragi moj. Prije nekoliko godina. I prije toga, i još prije toga. I prije puno godina. Jesi li znao to? Jesi li? I je li to uopće važno? Je li to nešto važno? Je li? Jesi li znao, Dragi moj, za manipulaciju? Jesi li znao za ucjene? Jesi li? Jesi li znao to? I što s tim? Što s tim?  Jesam li bila zaštićena tada? Jesam li? Pa, preživjela sam. I neću to više dopustiti. Kažu da dobivamo onoliko koliko možemo podnijeti. I da nikad nismo sami. Pa, izgleda da je to istina. Samo, nikad to ne smijemo zaboraviti i dopustiti da nas životne situacije slome.

Did You know, my Dear, what happend? When? Last year??? No, my Dear. Few years ago. And before that, and before that. And many years ago. Did You know this? Did You? And is that important at all? Is that something important? Is it? Did You know, my Dear, about manipulation? Did You know, about blackmails? Did You? Did You know that? And what about it? What about it? Was I protected than? Was I? Well, I survived. And I will not allowed it anymore. It is said that we get what we can handle with. And we are never alone. Well, it seems that that is the truth. Just, we should not forget this, ever. And we should not let any life circumstances break us.